Random thoughts on baby products

For the past few months, I've been making lists and checking them twice. It's time for me to tell you about my secret job at the North Pole.

Not really. As I mentioned in my last post, I'm a planner. I have a list of everything we'll need to have before the baby comes, stuff that can wait until after, and together James and I have an evolving action list of what needs to happen to empty out his office so that we'll have a place to put all of this stuff -- and the baby -- when it all arrives.

First of all, there are some things I'm just not getting. I'm not getting a carseat-compatible stroller. I don't walk the mall very often, and if I do, I'll use the infant carrier. Same thing for walking up the Drag or downtown. Besides, a lot of the stores and restaurants make maneuvering with the SUV strollers extremely unwieldy.

I am on the proverbial fence about a changing table. I didn't have one with Daphne, but we had carpeted floors with padding underneath, and I didn't mind plopping her down on a blanket to change her diapers. I'm still trying to figure out the wood floor situation, and, of course, keeping my eye out for a bargain in that regard.

But enough about me.

During this whole process, I have had some questions about items available for purchase. I've already given you my take on the ladies' undergarments, but purveyors of maternity lingerie aren't the only offenders in my book.

1. Why are so many clothes for newborns and older infants lightly-colored? Pastels or white with some print seems to be *the* thing. Have the manufacturers spent any time with these children? Are they aware of the messes that occur in and around these filth factories? I want some strong browns, navy blues, deep reds, dark oranges, grassy greens. I don't even care if they fade a bit in the laundry and get each other dirty. The whites usually look dingy after the second wash, anyway, PLUS they're stained with drool and whatever other gunk gets on them and never quite goes away.

How did pastels become the color palette of babydom, anyway? Vibrant colors stimulate their vision more.

2. Words. Ugh. Why are there meaningless words on almost every article of clothing made for babies? I mean, I get it if you want to express something specific. In fact, we do have a onesie already that says, "Excuse me; I believe you have my stapler." That means something. It makes James and me laugh. If you don't have context, let me Google that for you.

So I get things like "Daddy's Little Girl" or pop culture references or quotes from famous Renaissance poets. But the words "Away We Go!" with a picture of a truck, or "Let's Play!" or "Cute Playful Pal" with a picture of a dog, or "I Dig You!" with a picture of a backhoe or just the random word "Cute!"... Ugh. The kid is too small to see the words herself, so it's not like you're exposing her to written language when she wears it.

Also, a lot of the wording is very gender stereotyped. Things like "Princess of the Castle" or "Yes, I'm a Diva"... can you imagine Daphne's horror if she saw pictures of herself as a baby and I'd put her in that kind of thing? (For the record: I didn't.)

3. Speaking of sexist, if the clothing has pictures of dinosaurs, vehicles of any kind (including construction equipment, space travel, trains, boats, motorcycles, and passenger cars), sports involving balls, or fish, the clothing is almost definitely for boys.

Some animals seem to transcend gender, like monkeys and dogs. Frogs and raccoon are weighted toward boys, while cats and owls and horses lean to girls. The exception here is if the horse is saddled and looks like it might be from the Wild West.

Ladybugs, fruit, mythical creatures (like mermaids and unicorns), baked goods (cupcakes, cookies, cakes, lots of sprinkles), and, of course, flowers are found pretty much exclusively on girls' clothing.

The clothes are for us, of course; the parents. So why do we buy this crap?

4. Crib sheets. Mattresses with waterproof pads on them aren't the most comfortable, so we need cotton or the newly-illustrious minky sheets to place between baby and pee-proofing, right? Why is the average price of a fitted crib sheet about $25? There are custom sheets on Etsy for upwards of $50, but even on "regular" websites like Target.com, they range from $10-40.

Again, do you know what happens to these things? They get a lot of icky fluids on them and need to be washed constantly. Because of this, I need a good two or three crib sheets. I also need them not to be pastel colored!

Someone needs to come up with a crib sheet replacement that is like the old diaper inserts that everyone uses for burp pads now. It should be cheap, dark and/or infinitely bleachable, and, oh yeah, cheap.

It looks like I might need to hit the actual stores for this thing, and I do not look forward to that. On the other hand, my postal carrier might wonder if I'm selling drugs or laundering money with all of the deliveries I'm getting right now. At least one of them knows I'm expecting, since she called me out to help her get the office chair we bought Daphne and then, upon seeing me, asked if my husband was home. Hopefully they'll straighten out my reputation through positive gossip.

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Those are my primary gripes, plus this is a pretty long post, so I'll stop for now. I'm not even going to go into the uni-tasker bottle heaters and stuff like that today. Yeah, it's probably coming, though...