What Not to (Under)Wear

(In case you're wondering: Yes, this post is about drawers for pregnant ladies. If that doesn't interest you, you should come back another day... though I can't promise it will be much better.)

As I've mentioned before, this pregnancy is very different from the one I experienced 13 years ago. Not because I'm older, no; actually, I'm in better shape at 41 than I was at 28, believe that or don't. I actually LOVE being pregnant (until the last week or so) and my body responds really well to it. Also, this time I have access to much more attractive clothing than I did before. It seems like maybe 2 years after I was expecting Daphne, maternity clothes got super cute. While I do still prefer the more loose, forgiving stuff over the uber-body-conscious curve-hugging stuff, I appreciate the variety that's available now. (I also appreciate my husband, who hasn't flinched at the many Zulily packages we've received over the past couple of months.)

However.

One of the first things I noticed, when realizing it was time to bust out the maternity clothes, was that my normal undergarments -- the lower installment -- had no waist around which to rally and therefore were prone to slide off of my hips and disappear forever.

This led to my first (unsuccessful) venturing online to locate some comfortable underpants. If you look at Motherhood Maternity's underwear selection (and I don't recommend that you do, because, frankly, I am moderately disturbed by out-of-context pregnancy bellies in varying degrees of expectancy), you will notice that they have precisely ZERO over-belly selections. They have "high cut" and "fold over" and bikini and hipster (the hipster underpants do not flatter any of the models, by the way), but no over-belly "these definitely won't fall off and if you're really worried, you can tuck them up under your bra" underpants.

I found a few pair on Zulily and Amazon, but they're all in the $20+ range, and it's difficult to break out of my cheapskate propensity to justify paying $5+ a month to rent a pair of underwear.

Not much better.

Thus far, I've bought nothing of this ilk, but I have learned a lot. One thing I've learned is that there are some products that should just not exist. For instance:

What? Why? NO.

Dude, I like to look cute... but I can't imagine any scenario in which I would want to be messing with a thong right now.

Note that these maternity thongs are unavailable for men. Sorry, friends.

You might think that wearing a thong would be... uh, invasive enough. But wait! There's more!

I can't. Um, let's say only that the models in these pictures are definitely *not* pregnant. Speaking of which:

Hot Milk doesn't seem to understand what pregnant women look like. A) I don't look like this when I'm not pregnant. B) As much as I don't like seeing other women's naked prego bumps, there are mannequins for the below-belly stuff, and like actual baby-incubators for the rest of the stuff.

Besides, I don't get the French Kicker thing... You know who is seeing my underwear right now? NO ONE. Not even James. It's not that I don't feel attractive when I'm pregnant, because I do! But I can't even see my own underpants, so I can't be sure I have them on, say, right side out or correct side front or any of that, so no one else is looking, either. I'm playing to my strengths.

Oh, and here's something else that super frustrates me that's available for those of us whose bodies are hosting increasingly sentient other beings.

Ugh. No. Just. NO.

"Support" is one thing. "Control" and "slimming" is another. I'm freaking pregnant. My body is changing. It's kind of awesome. I don't owe it to anyone to look particularly "slim" or in "control." This is a utilitarian weight gain, and I have enough to think about without wondering if this pregnancy makes my thighs look meaty.

Yeah. Spanx has a maternity line, too. Just be grateful I didn't show you the big picture.

Speaking of which, I saw this picture (or one of the many taken on this occasion) in a popular weekly gossip magazine. Don't judge. I was stuck in a waiting room.

This is actress Kate Winslet posing by her brand-spanking new star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Do you know what the headline said? "'Divergent' star Kate Winslet flaunts her post-baby body for Hollywood Walk of Fame Ceremony." REALLY? She just had her vocation's accomplishments acknowledged, and you have to draw attention to the fact that she doesn't look like a frumpy milk factory? And so what if she did? It's bad enough to assume that "fat" means "ugly" or "unhealthy" or "lazy" or "unmotivated." It's even WORSE to pressure women who have spent 9 months with their bodies changing to care for a child to "look" a certain way in the few weeks after delivery. For what it's worth, I have friends who can "bounce back" right after having a kid (or two or three) and others whose meat hangs on a while. In my experience, a LOT of it is genetics. But either way, what the heck? Kate Winslet was being feted for her ACTING. Way to strip the meaning out of that whole thing!

I wouldn't buy these because they look exactly like "normal" drawers, and, besides, all of the models look uncomfortably bound at the "waist." You know how usually underwear models have no rolls or pulls or even mini-muffin tops? Not so with these.

Two more products you didn't know you needed, but you... don't.

Apparently, this is for those times you might carry your cell phone in your pants pocket. Upon further inspection, I found that there is actually a whole market of maternity anti-radiation clothing. I'm filing this under "I have exorbitant amounts of cash sitting around in piles, and not nearly enough baby stuff to purchase. TAKE MY MONEY!!"

And, finally...

I think this might be for new mothers. If you're expecting your first, then I need to tell you something: Nursing only affects the top half of your undergarment-clad areas. I mean, true, you might be sitting down. But these briefs don't have a cushion or anything, so probably not strictly a true "nursing" item.

The whole thing is an education, isn't it? You're welcome.