The Thing About Parenting a Teenager...

There's something that I have come up against several times since I had a child nearly fourteen years (!!) ago, and at first, it comforted me. Now, I mentally flip off whomever is saying it or has written it. It has various iterations, but goes a little something like this:

"There is no reason that kids need to rebel when they're teenagers."

Now, granted, my reaction might be a little immature, but it's coming from a tender place and so this statement rubs me the wrong way.

A caveat: If the intention of saying this means, "Please don't expect the worst of your kids," then I'm totally down with it.

But mostly, I hear it used with a parenting philosophy, practically "guaranteeing" that if you just do what these people say, then you and your child will have a charming, laid-back relationship with few, if any, bumps.

The people who say and believe this, and whose kids just got along with them like gangbusters straight through until they moved out... Well, those folks are LUCKY. Just like the people who swear by a certain sleep technique because "all three of my babies slept through the night when they were still in the womb, so it works!" are LUCKY.

And I don't resent that (much), but I also don't think it's cause to believe that you have the parenting thing down pat as much as it is cause for you to thank the good Lord above that he gave you the kind of kid you have. And then, maybe, try to be empathetic or at least tolerant with some liberal benefit-of-the-doubt extension to those whose kids buck against the system, and would buck against ANY system, regardless of how lenient, strict, compassionate, distant, appropriate, etc. it is.

Anyone who has raised more than one child through to adulthood knows that kids are just different. What worked with one might not work with the other, and even when you tailor the approaches, some kids are just going to have a little messier time traversing the road to independence than others. We all know brothers and/or sisters who turned out COMPLETELY different, and have had the most divergent lives, despite being raised at roughly the same time by the same parents.

If you're a parent whose kid is questioning you, or Jesus, or his or her sexuality, or whether Braum's is really better than Dairy Queen; or who is experimenting with (or an expert at) drugs, promiscuity, smoking; or who disappears for hours and upon returning won't communicate with you; or who has attempted suicide; or who might sit at the table for dinner but will not talk; or who might talk, but loudly and with choice swears thrown in for nuance; or who just can't seem to get it together; or who seems not to like you very much, or respect you at all... If you're doing the best that you can, you're doing the best that you can. And that's all that you can do.

I'm learning that the measure of successful parenting cannot be attached to an outcome.

I mean, sure, ideally, my daughter would both respect me and think of me as a friend. She would choose to hang out with me. A trip to the grocery store with mom? Fun! She would grow up under my loving guidance, adroitly circumnavigating the missteps I took because she's heeded my advice. She would know her worth and love God and be an ambassador to people. She would be secure and hard-working and pleasant and have real, good friends. I think we all want that kind of thing for our kids.

But we can't judge whether or not we did our jobs well by marking off a checklist of things our kid does or is. There are too many other factors, the biggest of which... well, is the kid his- or herself!

I have not parented perfectly. God knows I've made some huge mistakes, and I regret those terribly. But I can say I've always loved my teenager, and have always made long-term decisions with her best interest in mind. (I have had plenty of short-term gaffes... times when anger surfaced in a loud way, or when I was operating out of my own personal pain that had nothing to do with her, etc.)

So, I don't know about you, but I need to remind myself often that any discomfort I feel between my teenager and me isn't solely due to my inadequate parenting. It's normal.

I also need to remind myself, maybe even more often, that my daughter isn't actually in any kind of rebellion against me. I think I might be in rebellion against her. Against the changes that take place as she ages and pushes away from me. Against the more introspective and quiet nature she's adopting as she matures, because I miss the bubbly, carefree elementary-aged crazy who always always wanted to be with me no matter what. Against maybe what I thought her teen years would look like. And it's not fair to her.

Although sometimes I feel like we never talk, but the truth is that my daughter talks to me. A lot. When she wants to, though. If I try to strike up a conversation, it's awkward and painful. If she has something on her mind, she can talk to me for hours on end. Literally.

True, she doesn't love any excuse to get out of the house with me anymore, but I remember being the same way when I was her age. My mom says I'd go shopping, say for back-to-school clothes, and want the first thing I tried on that fit, then make her miserable the rest of the time because I wanted to leave and she wanted to look around.

But the truth is that I have a very bright, very opinionated, very self-assured young woman who knows what she wants and who lets us know, too. She is funny, and she is interesting, and even when I don't agree with her, I'm fascinated by and respect her views. I love to hear her singing when she doesn't know anyone can hear her. I love her laugh when a video amuses her, even when it's 2:30 AM and the authoritarian mom in me thinks (but doesn't say), "She should be asleep!"

(And before you get onto me about that, I would ask you: WHY "should" she be asleep? Yup. No reason. Except that kids aren't "supposed" to stay awake all night. Well, mine does and that's okay with me. Even though I have never been able to pull off that kind of thing.)

Anyway, I've just been thinking about my teenager and feeling very emotional as I realize that the time is short. I love this kid, and sometimes feel very protective of her, but so glad that we're in Austin where her brand of "self" is accepted in a way I don't feel it might be in smaller or narrower places.

I wanted to put all of this in writing, too, in case anyone else is experiencing growing pains by proxy, so you'll know you're not alone.

Also, would you pray for us that my daughter would find a place in our new church quickly? She just needs one "bosom friend," as Anne Shirley would say. We have missed Kylie and Emma so much since we moved (three years ago! but Emma moved, too, so staying wouldn't have saved that friendship); I long for her to have just one sympatico buddy.

Have a great weekend, friends!

Daphne, enjoying a book and a drink on the patio.