Methinks Thou Dost Protest Too Much

Today, Mal and I were leaving Little Land when a guy watching Mal bop along behind me said, "Girls are so much fun." I just smiled and nodded because, ya know, we're never going to see this guy again.

But he wasn't finished.

He went on: "I have a 4-year-old daughter, and she's the smartest thing. My 22-year-old son? He's an idiot." Um. Congrats? I just kept heading for the door.

More: "Women are just so much better than men; they're the future. I swear, if you guys were physically stronger than men and could have taken over first, it would be so much better."

At this point, I wished I'd corrected him. But I also didn't want to engage. So we just left.

But, seriously, what was this guy trying to do? It was pandering, if we were both female, and since he had mis-gendered my son, he was basically insulting my child to my face.

Listen, I'm all for smashing the patriarchy, but not because men are stupid or I hate those jerks. It's because I oppose systemic favoring of one gender (or nationality or ethnicity or religion or body type or... etc.) over another. Period.

I happen to know and love a lot of smart, fun, men: My dad, my husband, and the son this guy singled out as being a "fun" gal... Pretty neat folks to know.

I need to develop a script to have my response ready next time someone, especially some DUDE, starts off on a condescending diatribe about how awful males are, because this isn't a zero sum game and everyone gets to be as awesome as they want to be. Any suggestions?

Leftovers

 Last night, Laura promised to take Mal to the mall today.

She really meant the one in Cedar Park, but he wanted to go to Barton Creek Square, in south Austin. It's a 30 mile drive. I'm writing this just after midnight on a Sunday morning. With no traffic, it's a 34 minute trip. It was fairly close to our old apartment.

She decided that she really didn't have anything better to do with her time and decided to go with our default answer to our kids, which is "Yes."

I wish I could have tagged along. One of my ankles started acting up on Friday morning, and we're doing our best to contain the damage before it gets bad. (Mal really hates all the things I can't do, and I hate telling him that I hate it too).

For part of that damage control, at Laura's suggestion, I broke out my ankle/foot boot thing. Mal insists that I didn't have any trouble standing and carrying him around and rough-housing the last time I needed it, but Laura and I agree that we were in that same south Austin apartment when this was bad.

Then again...it was the podiatrist here who took pity on me and suggested the boot before really advocating for stretches before surgery. Thinking back, it seems like I remember being useless for that move because of the pain.

Either way. Even if he does remember any of that...he was a lot smaller and lighter when it happened.

As much as we tell him that he's getting really big, he doesn't understand that we aren't getting bigger/stronger.

I broke the boot out about 11:45 yesterday morning.

It's heavy and uncomfortable enough that I was ready to just lay down without it by 12:45.

Around 1:15, Laura started pestering Mal about going to the mall.

He sat around watching videos and waiting for the dishwasher to finish before deciding he was ready to go, around 2:45.

That was about the time that I was getting back up.

Around 4:00 pm, Laura sent me a message that we have lots of leftovers in case I got hungry. I asked her whether she expected me to heat food in the microwave like a bachelor. She told me that it'll be totally different, since it isn't restaurant food.

About 5:30, I dug through the fridge.

I thought the inventory was funny enough to share. First there were Mal's staples:

• Mashed potatoes
• White rice
• Plain vanilla icing
• Boiled eggs (from this morning: Laura made some of these and pancakes)
• Mandarin oranges

Then we also had:

• Shredded chicken (which needs to be eaten soon)
• Peas
• Something moldy (I honestly considered putting it back, because the trash is nearly full and I'm not in any shape to take it out...but I managed to make it fit)
• Delicious kale/carrot/bean soup

I had the soup.

After they got home, I had fun listing all the stuff that's Mal's. Laura appreciated the humor but cut to the chase to ask whether I'd found the soup.

Then she proceeded to bake an awesome thing that I can only describe as a pizza casserole.

In case I've never mentioned this before, I have a really awesome wife.

Why There is a Package of Crumbled Pop-Tarts in My Console

Today, Mal and I took advantage of our family annual membership to the Austin Aquarium (which has gotten SO much better/bigger than when it opened!). Mal is getting more comfortable around the fish, which is cool. He's still freaked out by BIG fish on his level, and I understand that.

Oh! There's a lemur cage when you first walk in, and this beautiful black-faced and otherwise brown lemur was sitting on a branch watching people come in. He had a super long stuffed snake (available in the gift shop!) on the floor. I figured he must really liked stuffed animals, because look...

I seriously thought this hammock of about 10 lemurs was stuffed animals for a hot minute! They were just piled in there, and until I REALLY watched the one face you can actually see and it moved a bit, I thought the other lemur (the only one that doesn't look like these ring-tailed) just LOVED his stuffies. :D

They all got up later and were grooming each other. Man, they're adorable!

After the aquarium, of course Mal wanted to look around the gift shop. While he did, I was kind of accidentally eavesdropping on what seemed to be a job interview (or a contract pitch?). We were just in the vicinity and I have good hearing.

Anyway, one of the employees said, "Thanks; we'll talk to a manager and get back with you." The guy they were talking to then asked if he could see the r/o system. The employee said, "I have to get to work, but hold on and I'll get someone to show you around." The guy explained that was his milieu; he had gone to Haiti after the earthquake and tsunami in 2010.

At some point, I had to use the restroom, and when I got back, this guy had changed shirts. I might not have noticed if he hadn't left his starched pink (with blue stripes!) shirt and tie draped over... what appeared to be almost everything he owned, in one of the chairs in the reading area.

Mal had me look at some books with him and showed me a few trinkets while I took in information: He had a backpack, a large "tote" that is bigger than my 13-gallon trash can, a coat, the clothes he was wearing, and the clothes he'd just removed (I assume he had on a t-shirt under). He was well-kept enough not to have that "transient" look in his eyes and manner. But he was carrying an inordinate amount of stuff.

By the time the other employee came out and told him that he could only show him pictures of the reverse osmosis system, it was obvious that this gentleman is on the Autism spectrum. He looked at the pictures and asked questions for a while, then the employee left.

"That's the smallest r/o system I've ever seen. I'm used to dealing with ones that are this big," he said, referring to the chair.

"Did I hear you say you were in Haiti?" I asked.

He said yes, that the Texas National Guard responded in Haiti shortly after the 2010 tsunami. I asked him where he was: Port au Prince. I explained that when we went in 2013, we found it to be a lovely country, but he insisted I was glad I did not go during recovery; I'm sure he's right. He couldn't remember exactly how long they were there.

Mal was bored and ready to go by this point. I'd ordered half of our meal from Chick-fil-A (yay, mobile ordering!) and he complained, "I'm hungry!" I told him I was almost done, but the gentleman, who was packing up all of his stuff to leave, said, "If your mom will let you, maybe later you can have a PopTart."

I thought he was just being aspirational, but then he dug through his pack and reached out toward Mal... with a sealed PopTart foil.

He said, "You have to be careful with those, because they're kind of broken up; but that's easier for your mom. She can put them in a bowl and pour milk over it and call it cereal. That's what my mom used to do."

So. That's why I have a package of crumbled PopTarts in the console of my car. I don't know what to do with them. I don't know what flavor they are. Sometimes I have hypoglycemia emergencies, so maybe I'll be desperate enough to open them and eat it then. The guy was being genuinely kind; I just didn't expect a stranger to give my kid PopTarts at the aquarium. It reminded me a lot of the homeless guy who used to give us wet wipes. Sometimes, you find kindness in the more interesting places.

My New Green Deal

A few months ago, when we were preparing to leave McDonald's and come home, I took particular note of how much garbage was generated by one meal: the tray liner, the chicken nuggets box, the GoGurt tube, the ketchup packets (we try to use the ketchup dispenser, but it's more typically empty than not, and otherwise has a steady clientele of fruit flies), the French fry sleeve, plastic bag for the Happy Meal toy, the Happy Meal box, the juice box/milk bottle/soda cup, the box for whatever burger I get, and my cup, plus a lid and two straws. For 2 meals. They serve thousands of people per day, and we eat there a couple of times a week, at least.

When we first moved into our house, I almost ordered a second recycle bin because we were filling ours up within a couple of days after it was emptied (every two weeks instead of once per week, like regular trash). I realized that it slowed down somewhat after we stopped having so many deliveries for things like dining room chairs and other "new move-in" items like rugs and cabinets.

Still, we generate a lot of trash. We fill the recycle bin more often than the trash can, but have learned that only about 40% of our recycling is actually recycled; the rest ends up in landfills.

So I've been particularly struck by how often I run trash outside. Everything is in packaging, and when we order online, that packaging is usually in a shipping box. So it's a shipping box, usually some form of air-filled plastic shipping protector (bubble wrap, pillow things), the actual box, and then whatever the product is encased in inside. It's a lot. I think about which is better/worse for the environment: My driving into town to the store to buy things, or ordering it online where a truck that's going to be out here anyway brings it to me in an extra box that should, in a perfect system, be recycled. I don't know.

I did stop ordering from Walmart grocery when Instacart finally got out here, and one reason (which isn't price; Instacart is definitely more expensive) is that the way Walmart shops, almost every item is in a separate plastic bag. I save them and take them back to be recycled... but then, are they?

This is a very interesting video to watch, if you have the time:



One thing this doesn't address is that it DOES take some capital (money) on the front end to shop with almost no waste: glass and burlap containers aren't free; even if they pay for themselves in the long run, or it's just a principle you find important, you do have to have the cash up front to start the system. We could do it, but it would involve my driving... well, not only a lot further than our local grocery stores, but at all because I usually have our groceries delivered.

Still, I want to make some changes, so what can I do?

The first thing is straws. I drink a lot of soda, and Mal prefers straws over drinking directly out of a cup, so we've had silicone straws for a long time. I've recently stopped getting straws with drinks when we're out, and just use the ones in my purse.

Also, I stopped ordering soda cans (which I love because they're always fresh) and went to 2-liters. THEN, I bought another Soda Stream to make our own sodas in reusable bottles. I had a Soda Stream years ago, but when I was pregnant with Mal, I COULD NOT STAND the taste of the drinks. We ended up giving it to a homeschool group that was starting a co-op.

Beyond that and just being super aware of our waste and trying to pick products with minimal packaging and/or paper instead of plastic packaging, I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm freaked out seeing the piles of garbage everywhere, though. What is the next step? Any ideas?

Ghostbusters (2016): Review

Laura really wanted to watch this in the theater, because she loves the cast.

We just never got the chance before, because Mal.

We finally rented it and (except for Mal...more about that later) universally agreed that it's *great*.

Laura hedged her immediate review by prefacing it with the fact that the original is a classic. At the time, its special effects were incredible. It was a ground-breaking movie. She feels like this one did a great job of balancing homage with deeper emotional investment in the characters (even though they're ridiculous).

I don't have Laura's education, exposure, or general good taste when it comes to movies and theater.

I watch the original, and I remember the way my stupid adolescent boy-brain/body reacted. I literally spent *years* thinking that "sleeping above the sheets" was probably some signal that a girl's a freak who's likely to put out.

Or something like that.

I watch it now and realize that it was probably just some line that Bill Murray improv'd, like the one about cats and dogs sleeping together.

I'm making an assumption about both of those.

The one about cats and dogs seems more likely, since the f/x team actually had to rig Sigourney Weaver for the floating scene.

Whatever. The original seemed much more random. There were a lot of scenes and lines that worked on first viewing back in the mid 80s...but leave me (as a middle-aged adult watching it with a young child) wondering "What *were* they thinking?!"

I'm not trying to bash the original.

As Laura pointed out, the original *is* a classic.

This "new" one makes a ton of references back to it. Which is great. I think they got every major cast member (except Rick Moranis *sob*) who's still alive to make a great cameo.

I think there were also quite a few references back to the cartoon, too.

The Internet hated it. Well, males did. It got really good reviews from females.

That sucks.

I'm sad about that. I think the reboot is great.

We can spend all day discussing whether we think it's better or worse than the original.

What bothers me is that Mal spent a *huge* chunk of the movie complaining that he wanted to watch "real" Ghostbusters.

The last time I heard anything about it, Laura basically told him to either shut up or go away. Just for the record, this generally does not happen in our household. She paused the movie 2 or 3 times after this to let him talk.

I *think* his complaints hit the climax around the end of Act I. We moved on from all the boring character build-up to the action. After that, either he got sucked into it or I did.

Hopefully both. (update: Laura says that he finally got it when they put on the coveralls).

I want Mal to understand that women can be Ghostbusters too. I don't know how we've missed missed the point on this one: every time we play, he's the hero, I'm the villain, and Laura's the woman who needs to be rescued, unless he needs her to rescue him. So at least he gets the point that girls *can* rescue boys. (Another update: Laura thinks that he just fixates on his first impression of anything. She thinks that, if he'd seen this one first, he'd be horrified by the original. Which is comforting, in a way).

I also want him to understand that the "heroes" aren't just the characters walking around with the proton packs. The original didn't give anywhere near enough credit to Janine.

(We recently bought a Playmobil Ghostbuster Firehouse set. It does not include Venkman. I had an interesting time combing through their catalog trying to find one that does. Janine seems to be a much more popular figurine, and good for her! We'll probably get Slimer first). (update: And now my phone is plastering me with Playmobil ads).

Women of Faith?

My pastor, Ryan, asked me if I'd be willing to speak for a few minutes in church about a woman who had helped shape my faith. I told him I'd think about it and get back with him.

Looking back, the first and most obvious choice would be my mother. She has always been a devout follower of Christ. She reads and rereads scripture like she's poring over an intimate letter from a dear friend. She finds such encouragement and hope from her faith, and it shows. My mom's spiritual gift is... hand-written cards? She sends cards to people who are sick, who are celebrating, or who might just have crossed her mind on any given day. She is an encourager. She wants very much to please God.

One time, we had been in a bookstore and as we made our way through the parking lot, Mom said, "Did you hear that girl crying?" I hadn't. Mom had asked her what was wrong, and had gotten the girl's whole life story in the end. This struck me and made me more intentional about noticing other people who might be hurting. I've now approached numerous strangers, awkwardly asking, "Do you need anything?" with no idea where to go from there. But I've never regretted it.

Yes, my mom was the earliest and most earnest example of faith in my life. And it might not be the case, but being "good" always seemed to come easy for her, as though she didn't experience many of the temptations that mere mortals like I did. So, in a way, that faith also seemed inaccessible at times. In fact, my sister and I used to quote a friend of mom's, just to annoy her, who called her "God's perfect person."

So, upon further rumination, I realized that there is one woman who shaped my faith as it is today even more than my mom did...

She was Billie, the pastor's wife where I attended church and served in various positions of lay leadership for the better part of a decade. We weren't close, but when it became clear that I was divorcing my husband of thirteen years, she was called in to "counsel" me against pursuing the separation.

She said many things that day with which I took issue, but two things she said forever changed how I would look at what I believe:

1) "Well, he's not hitting you and he's not cheating on you, so you're pretty much stuck."
2) "... And, you know, life kind of sucks, anyway, so..."

"You're stuck, and life sucks."

As it says in John 10:10: "I have come that they might have life... which pretty much sucks."

This well-meaning woman was feeding me propaganda from centuries of fundamentalist patriarchy: The one and only way for you, a woman, to bring glory to God is to surrender to an untenable situation. The end.

The thing is, for all of the problems I had with my church during this time, I never doubted that the hand of God was on it. I believed that he had a way for my child and me to enter into a more full existence. And I was right.

But because of Billie, I was able to see something in stark daylight that had never occurred to me before: I could not be part of any faith that discounts someone's pain or truth and tells them the only way to please God is to continue to allow themselves to be hurt or marginalized or discounted.

I would never have someone look back on a conversation with me and call it "spiritual abuse."

I wanted to love, genuinely, on behalf of God. If a religion told me to do otherwise, it was not the worship of the God I believed in.

I'd rather have the faith of... well, here we are: back at my mother.

We do not agree on the letter of the law when it comes to what God says, but I do know that my mom's faith informs her desire to see people who are hurt, to hear their stories without judgement, and to try, in whatever way she can, to shoulder some of their burdens.

She believes it's possible to achieve what Romans 15:13 says: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." And so do I.

Mal: Lying, and Brushing Teeth

While I was eating breakfast this morning, Laura headed outside to finish painting the House of Fowl Repute.

Mal spent the rest of my meal pestering me to play with him.

When I got done, I did. But then I decided that I just had to brush my teeth. Laura found a thing online that suggested combining old doughnuts and a waffle iron.

They tasted really good, but left a layer of charred sugar and fat everywhere in the vicinity. (She later despaired about getting the waffle iron clean enough to put back in the cabinet, and complained that the original suggestion hadn't come with a warning).

For that matter, it also hadn't warned about the smoke. In the end, I opened a window to try to help clear it out. Laura took it a step further and just carried the waffle iron outside. She noted later that there was a smear of "wax" on both our kitchen floor and the front porch.

But I digress.

I wound up with that same experience in my teeth.

So, after I'd played with Mal for about 15 minutes, I decided to brush them.

He told me that he thinks it's a terrible idea, because just saw me brushing them last night.

I don't think we're getting the proper message across here.

Later, they went to McDonald's.  He was too busy playing to eat. So they brought back his Happy Meal.

I checked after they got home, because I was starting to get hungry, and I was tempted to steal a fry or two.

I'm pretty sure he had four McNuggets, a yogurt, and some ketchup.

Later, Laura left us to buy some gravel for our future pigeons.

Mal and I played until he spotted some candy that I'd bought for him while I was at dinner.  He had me open that and settled down to watch videos while he munched on it.

Shortly after Laura got home, he started complaining that all his food had disappeared.

She pretty much immediately blamed the cats.

I found the yogurt tube right next to his Kindle and took it to the trash to see whether he'd left anything after he'd bitten through the seal (he hadn't...I was impressed).

Then he explained that his food had disappeared because he'd eaten it.

Laura admitted that he gets this directly from her.

Later, while he was bathing, he announced that he'd written a new song about juice.

It's actually pretty catchy. He claims that he came up with it while bouncing on a trampoline.

After about the 50th time he sang it, Laura confided that she *really* wants to encourage his creative side, but she'd also like to be able to carry on a conversation without him caterwauling in the background.