Comparisons

Without planning it, I managed to skip the entire decade of my 30s in the area of pregnancy and childbearing. I had Daphne just after I'd turned 29, and here I am comfortably planted into my early 40s (turned 42 two weeks ago) on the cusp of, as James started to say the other day, "about to pop my baby out..."

There have been some similarities and some differences between these two pregnancies. I don't know that I'd call either one "more" difficult. Just different. So I'm going to compare notes with the pregnancy diary I kept when I was expecting Daphne and my experiences this time and compare and contrast them below, in no particular order:

Differences

A. Weight loss and nausea. With Daphne, I lost a whole lot of weight at the beginning of the pregnancy. I was on the verge of illness the entire first trimester. This time, I was "mehh" about some things, and couldn't stomach imagining what I "wanted" to make for dinner, but once I'd prepared food and put it on a plate in front of me, I could eat it.

B. Thought in preparation. I was flummoxed by three questions asked of me at my very first examination when I was expecting Daphne: 1) Do you want a natural childbirth? 2) Do you plan to breastfeed? 3) If it is a boy, will you circumcise? Because of my experiences with the first, these questions had solid answers long before I knew I'd ever have another baby.

C. Stocking up. I'm a bargain shopper; it's just who I am. But with Daphne, our money was SO tight, I always bought the absolute cheapest thing I could find that would work and that I didn't hate. This time around, we've had enough money that I've been able to pick out things I actually want, and then find the best deal on that specific thing. I have avoided buying some things I really did want (like the Hushamok ) because I never felt like they were discounted enough, but our nursery runneth over at this point, and I'm really happy with everything. (P.S. Our nursery is like 95 square feet, so there's not actually too much in there.)

D. Nails. I managed to grow my nails out with Daphne. Not this time.

E. Jobs. I was a property manager then IT something-or-other with a firm in Las Vegas in 2001. I had a mostly-typical 8-5 office job, though I did have to get out and do some inspections. This time, I was working from home as an insurance agent/customer service representative until the end of June, and being able to nap on demand made a HUGE difference in my quality of life.

F. Prenatal care. I could write a whole blog post on this one. In 2001, I was on a fairly typical OB/GYN track. I'd make appointments, sit in the waiting room for 45 minutes (noting that I'd had time to read several magazine articles, write thank you notes, etc.), see the doctor for a good 5-6 minutes, and be done. Or else the doctor would cancel and reschedule my appointments because he'd been out delivering babies. This happened at least a four times in the 5 months I was his patient. This time, I'm under the care of midwives, and have had to wait 5-15 minutes exactly three times: once when the midwife was stuck in traffic (it's Austin), once when another midwife unlocked the doorknob but not the deadbolt, and then last week when someone showed up for a "surprise" first prenatal visit. That time, I got to hang out with the intern/doula, and I loved it because after my vitals and updating the file, we talked about stuff that had nothing to do with my pregnancy, which was nice. I have one hour scheduled for each appointment, and they've all lasted about half an hour to 45 minutes, all face-time with my provider. Additionally, while the doctor told me what to do, the midwives tell me what's available and let me make decisions. I declined genetic testing based on the fact that it would not affect our outcome (read: I wouldn't abort the baby regardless), and a medical doctor would not have "allowed" me to refuse this test, as it help them assign a more specific risk level to my pregnancy (which is already considered "high" in the medical community because of my age). Also, I have not had a vaginal examination yet. I'm at what is on paper 41 weeks, 3 days, and no one is worried about it. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday, just to make sure baby and placenta are doing okay. If they are, we might even move my due date. There is no rush. This is not an illness. It's nice to be treated as though I'm a normal pregnant lady instead of a high-stakes sick person.

G. Stretch marks. Got the during the last few weeks with Daphne. So far this time, none! But who knows. I could still be two weeks out.

H. Swelling. By the end of my pregnancy with Daphne, my feet would spill out of my shoes at the end of the day. This actually started happening super early this pregnancy, like less than half way in. However, I started going to the chiropractor (for another reason: to turn the baby if that were necessary) and after a few adjustments, the edema was gone! Now that I'm toward the end, I've put on some water weight; I can feel it in my ankles and lower legs, especially when I squat down. But it's NOTHING like it was 13 years ago.

I. Personal maintenance. I'd commented in 2001 that I was disappointed because people kept telling me that at some point, due to hormone stuff from being pregnant, my hair growth would slow down and I wouldn't have to shave anymore. That never happened. It happened this time, though! TMI? Okay. Moving on...

Similarities

A. Nausea. Regardless of how I've felt, I've never thrown up when expecting.

B. Aversion to reading instructional materials. There is a huge industry built around teaching women who are pregnant what to expect, how to prepare, and how to do things. With Daphne, I figured I'd just intuit a lot of it... and I did. But now I also see that everyone's experience is different, and there are some "choices" you can't make until you're in the thick of the moment, and that probably your friends and the health care professionals who already know you are a much better resource than just one author with just one viewpoint.

C. Registries. Didn't want to. Did just to have a list to remind me of what I needed.Registries make me feel presumptuous and grabby. (Other people's registries don't bother me at all!)

D. Hair. Pregnancy is awesome for my hair. It grows faster, it's thick and lush, and this time, I haven't needed to wash it as often as usual.

E. Family pregnancies. My sister Sarah was expecting Mackenzie when I was pregnant with Daphne. D was born a month and some change before Mackenzie. My sister-in-law Mei Li was expecting Emily during my pregnancy, and Emily made her appearance at the end of July.

F. Meralgia Paresthetica. It was much earlier-onset this time, but the same patch of left outer thigh experiences numbness if I stand too long. I have to stretch out to get the baby sac off of whatever nerve it is or the weird numbness turns to extreme pain. Fortunately, since I got to the bottom of the issue with Daphne, I've known how to fix it this time around.

G. Sports drinks. I don't typically drink Gatorade and the like. But during both pregnancies, I have developed a taste for electrolyte-replacement beverages. It was Gatorade's light blue ice flavor that was my favorite with Daphne. This time, it has been Powerade Zero, any flavor, but not so much during the third trimester. Still, just a weird consistency thing that is not of interest to me when I'm not housing a baby.

H. Exercise. With Daphne, I worked out and walked pretty much until I was due. It felt awesome. This time, it's been some walking but mostly biking. Love it!

I. Chiropractic. Regarding the "F" up there... Chiropractic helped me fix that problem, and this time, it's eliminated my swelling. Love me some chiropractic.

J. Allergies/asthma. Being pregnant seems to take care of my asthma, at least temporarily.

K. Due date. I have always had irregular cycles. When I first went in to see a doctor with Daphne, they put her due date at October 21. Later, when she was measuring smaller, they changed it to November 5. This time, based on the statistical "norms," the 40 week mark fell on September 4... but if you talked to me at all about it, I'm sure you heard that this was not what I thought; I felt it would be later. And I was right. The reason I think this is even more TMI than the shaving thing up there, but you'll just have to trust me. I think I'm just now at the 40 week mark, and "normal" is as much as 42 actual weeks.

There are other things... personal, situation things that make a big difference, but I'm not going into those. Basically, there have been some differences and some similarities, but the biggest thing is that I generally enjoy being pregnant as a whole and am more healthy when I'm carrying a baby. I'm also sensitive and kind of bitchy. But it's 9 months when I'm not self-conscious about my appearance, and everything seems kind of like an adventure.

Thirteen years ago and today. I think I'm aging pretty darn well, and rocking this pregnancy thing, too! :)

A Serious Post About the Kid I Already Have

Daphne has always been an only child. She has loved it. One time, after her first cat disappeared (I think he ended up co-opted by the across-the-street neighbors who had about 8 indoor cats) when she was 6, in petitioning for another cat, she said, "You're always busy, Dad's always on the computer, and I don't have a sibling to play with, so I get lonely." Although that had a bunch of hyperbole in it, it touched me and she got another cat. And another two cats when that one died. So I might be a sucker and/or a glutton for punishment.

Beyond that, she's never referenced wanting anyone around to accompany her.

She has also always been resistant to change.

When Daphne was very small, in order to get her to give up her one formula bottle she was drinking every morning, we had a big ceremony of her taking her baby bottles out of the cabinet, putting them in a trash bag, and personally delivering them to the garbage man when he came that day. Then we stood on the curb and waved them down the street.

From that time, when she was probably 15-18 months old, until she was 7 years old, every morning, she had a Sippy cup full of Ovaltine. I had to make the Ovaltine. If anyone else made it, she didn't like it. (I only used 2 spoons full of powder, which was a fraction of what's recommended.) I microwaved it for 1 minute, 11 seconds. Then Daphne would sit in my lap and play with my hair while she drank. She liked playing with my hair when it was straight and dry. If I'd already showered that morning and my hair was damp, she wasn't happy. If I'd curled my hair, she didn't like it. She preferred everything the exact same way. Every. Day. For over five years. (I finally made her stop when the Sippy cup lid was blistering her tongue because of how slowly the liquid comes out and her fighting to get it out more quickly.)

She also stayed in gymnastics probably a good year after she was "through" because I think she'd put a lot of her identity in it and didn't know how to quit (read: change). I told her dozens of times: "Gym isn't what you are; it's just something you do." But until we decided to move away, at which time she said, "Let's just quit gym NOW then, because there's no point learning new tricks," she was resistant to change that... before there was no choice.

When we moved to Austin, Daphne and I were burnt out. We had been going to my work every weekday at 10 AM, then home for lunch at 2 PM. I'd take her to the gym at 3 and return to work, then either work out and pick her up from the gym at 7, or, if I were in a play, a friend would bring her to the theater and we'd hang out there until rehearsals were over at 10. I had Fridays off, and we were part of a homeschool co-op.

So when we got into town, we decided to take a break from "leaving." We stayed home a lot. It felt great. Very free and luxurious. And Daphne got used to that. We tried a couple of things like PE classes and parkour, but over all, Daphne just liked being home. She's an introvert and needs a lot of down time. She loves hanging out with her cousins, but after a few hours of that, she needs quiet again. Because I am marginally extroverted, this is something I'm trying to understand. Having James around has helped me with that a lot.

To review: introvert, contented only child, resistant to change.

Daphne got "used to" James pretty fast, because he's just a cool guy and he's not socially demanding. Sharing me with a grown-up, though, was a totally different thing than sharing me with a baby. Daphne has no experience with babies, except for the noisy ones we encounter in public. Because of those, she is not impressed.

Daphne does not know what will happen when the baby comes. She has had some anxiety about that, and somewhat recently, when James and I finally pulled some stuff out of her about it, we realized that she had unrealistic expectations regarding her personal responsibility for the care of the baby. We straightened that out, but she still truly has no idea what it's going to look like. Honestly, none of us knows exactly what to expect. The difference is that James and I are the parents and vaguely planned for this. Daphne is having it foisted upon her.

Ever since people have learned that I'm expecting, they have attempted to bring Daphne into the circle of excitement, and she patently refuses to join. I'm okay with that; she is allowed to feel how she feels. Other people don't seem to like it as much.

But if you love my daughter, would you do me a favor during the next month or so, and even after the birth? It would mean a lot to this momma who was just fine having only one kid because she's always been "enough."

1) Please just stop asking her if she's excited. She will tell you the truth, that she's not, and often people aren't sure how to respond and will say something like, "Aww, you MUST be excited." No, she must not.

2) Acknowledge her for herself as an individual, not a potential big sister. She has interests and likes to talk about fandoms and art and music. Not so much babies.

3) Don't tell her that she will change her mind once the baby is born. Again, this just invalidates to her how she feels. And I'm not saying that she's stubborn, but it does seem to reinforce her commitment to staying checked out of the whole thing.

4) Don't say the same thing to me in her presence, even if she's in the other room and you think she's not listening. She is. It comes off to her as condescending.

5) Daphne doesn't need to be "sold" on being a big sister. You don't have to tell her the benefits of having a little sibling, especially things like how the little will idolize her and want to be just like her. What she hears when you say that is, "This kid is going to follow you around, stick to you like glue, watch everything you do, tear up your room," etc.

6) After the baby is born, please ask Daphne questions about herself and her life and her art and her "stuff." Don't make all of the questions about how it's going with a baby in the house.

Daphne has some anxiety associated with the arrival of a sibling. I am confident that it's all going to calm down and be fine, but there's really no way to prepare Daphne for it; she's just going to have to experience it. And having so many people trying to "help" her just reinforces that a huge shake-up is around the bend, and adds to her dread.

My sweet Mema used to be very stressed out by the knowledge that other people weren't happy happy happy, and she tried to make sure they were, even when it meant ignoring their reality. I'm completely chill with the way things are, and don't think Daphne's attitude is something to be "fixed." I've struggled much less graciously against unwanted change in my life. If we can all just cut the kid some slack and let her be herself where she is right now, I think that would help a lot.

Also, if you want to pray with me that she'll make at least one close friend when she starts Monday classes this fall, I'd appreciate it! Our "time out" from extra-curricular activities has made her very comfortable with being alone, to the point that she'd rather associate with online friends than real-world present people most of the time. I get this; I really do. But I'd love for her to have someone here she can talk to and hang out with on occasion. She had made a potentially good friend in BSF, but sadly she had to move last spring. Daphne misses her a lot. It's exhausting starting over with a new person. That is one thing I understand completely.

Thanks for loving my girl! I surely do.

Independence Day

Last week, we drove over 800 miles in 36 hours. When James got off of work on Wednesday, we drove up to McKinney and spent the night with my parents, then Thursday morning, we headed further north toward Lake Tenkiller for the Gates family annual 4th of July celebration.

This was special for a few reasons.

First of all, it's the first tradition for Team Dave's. James and I went there together last year - when he was living in Tulsa and I was living in Sherman - so this is the inaugural family tradition.

Secondly, it was even better than last year because Daphne got to come with us. She was shy most of the day, but around dusk when the sparklers came out, she started to get more involved. I know it's difficult to be the new kid in a family full of cousins who have grown up together. It's just one small path to navigate in the entire roadmap of blended-familyhood (yep, I just made that up). Next year, I think it'll be easier.

It actually makes me shiver a little bit, thinking about "next year." And the year after that. And of being part of a whole other awesome family. With my James. It's incredible.

We have a plan to start saving for awesome fireworks next January, so by this time next year, we'll have some serious cash and can orchestrate some serious pyrotechnics! Also, I want to take stuff for the kids to make their own black snakes. We did that in Enrichment Classes when I taught "Science in the Kitchen."

Oh, and thirdly, Daphne got to see an important landmark so now we're all on the same page.

Also, randomly, we saw some cool stuff and listened to "Peter and the Starcatchers" and laughed a lot, and just had a great time, considering how much we were driving around.

Also, there were these two places. If you want to see the rest of the pictures, go here.

The View as an Only Child

You might be wondering how Daphne is taking all of this. Well, it varies.

James tried to distract her when I was checking out at CVS, but because they messed up my inhaler prescription, we had to stand around and wait a while, so she saw that I was buying a pregnancy test. She cried most of the way home, even when we stopped at a food trailer and bought her a peanut butter shake.

The next morning, I took the pregnancy test and it was positive. Daphne forgot about it for the first hour or so that she was awake. When she found out, she was petulant about it. Daphne has always taken pride in her "only child" status. I reminded her that it's early, I'm old, and anything can happen.

We had a good day, walking to Whole Foods together, hanging out with the Brownies, going shopping, and seeing a movie together. We talked about it on and off all day. By yesterday morning, Daphne had reached the, "Okay, but if you have any OTHER kids after this, I'm going to be pissed," phase.

Last night, though, she said something that caused a blow-out. We were in my room talking, I'd had her get off of the computer and iPad for the rest of the day, and she was sullen. She said, "I wish it were just you and me in the trailer again." Well, we're a family, and that's not okay. I took a minute to think about it and asked her what she wanted. She couldn't tell me.

A few minutes later, I was sitting on the bed crying alone when James came to check on me. Daphne went into her room and locked the door.

The day before, she's made a comment about how, every time our lives get comfortable, something changes. I assured her that this was a facet of life. Everything always changes. She said that she knew that, but I know that this is rocking her world in a way that nothing else she's been through (and she's been through quite a bit in the past couple of years).

After James sat with me for a few minutes, I told him that I was trying to walk the line between not wanting Daphne to be selfish and manipulative, and giving her the space to feel this and be honest. I went into her room and he kind of hung out, waiting to see if she wanted him to come in or not.

I talked to her a bit, but then I asked her to let me hold her like I did until she was about 7 or 8, and we did that for nearly an hour. We talked some more, and James came in and told her about how he'd been really excited about having a younger sibling, but once Khrys got here, he was pretty much an irritation. James said that it took him until high school to realize how much he loved and appreciated his brother, and how now, he's the surest friend he's ever had (before me :) ).

James went back to leave us to "girl stuff" and we talked for a long time. I told her why I'd made some of the decisions I had, and how fortunate we were to have a man who loved us both. I told her that if she really *did* wish we were still "just us," I hoped she'd try to change that. In my heart of hearts, I didn't believe that was true. But I also didn't want her to start resenting James because "he" has brought in this life-changer.

Earlier in the day, James and I had already talked about each taking one day every other month to go out alone with Daphne, and that we will do that for the next year, then continue to do it after/if the baby comes. He was totally down with the idea.

In the end, Daphne was better, and I was better, and James is pretty easy-going all of the time, anyway. D wanted to show me a picture she'd drawn on the computer, and then she had James look at a programming issue she was having, and which he solved. Then we started talking about software for the Bamboo drawing pad that her dad bought her. As she was exploring those options, she found an updated version of what she's been using, and was thrilled that it has been updated and its functionality increased.

I went to the bedroom to read, and after half an hour or so started getting pretty sleepy. James and Daphne were still chatting animatedly in the living room, so I took my nerve pills and let myself go to sleep. I usually go to bed the same time James does, but I didn't want to ask him to stop what he was doing; whatever she was telling him about, Daphne was pretty excited. I usually prefer quiet when I'm drifting off to sleep, but that was a pretty awesome sound.