My mom was telling me about the Advent series her church is doing, and mentioning how different that was to what the church of Christ (coC) has historically done.
When we were growing up, the coCs we attended all but ignored Christmas, since "it's not really Jesus's birthday, anyway," I guess? If Christmas fell on a Sunday, we went to church and heard a sermon that might be about Paul's travels, or about Nebuchadnezzar, or Jesus's friendship with Mary/Martha/Lazarus. There was some cognitive dissonance that I did not understand, but got the message that it was disingenuous to pretend Christmas was about Jesus's birth, since we know he wasn't born in winter at all.
I remember one winter when I was in 5th grade, we were drawing pictures in art class. We were supposed to draw a nativity or something, and I told my teacher that I didn't think I could do that. When she asked why, I guess I mumbled something about it being like lying, acting like it was Jesus's birthday. My friend Cindy Cole responded with, "Oh, Laura, don't be a fool," as she drew a spectacular three-dimensional star.
Later that season, I was asked to write a bit for the last school newspaper of the year. I barely remember anything about it, except that I ended it with: "We look forward to a break where we can celebrate Christmas and remember the birth of Jesus."
At some point later, my parents had received the newsletter and asked me about it. They might have just been interested to know why I'd written what I did, but since I was just a kid, I remember feeling like I was in trouble. So I did what I always did when I thought I was in trouble: I lied. I said I hadn't in fact written that, that I'd ended it after "celebrate Christmas" and that an adult in the office must have added on the end bit.
It never occurred to me as a child that my parents could very easily fact-check my story. But it never made sense to me that for some reason, a church would be anti-remembering the birth of their savior.
As an adult, I've attended a few more liturgical denominations, including Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, Episcopal, and United Churches of Christ (which is decidedly NOT affiliated with the churches of Christ). And even the non-denominational churches in Las Vegas and Sherman had an advent season.
This year, I'm not taking part in any religious services as I've stepped away from church indefinitely. The further I get from it, the more I realize how traumatized I was/am by the way I was treated and the way other women have been treated by the way the church is structured and how "church discipline" is handled and how charismatic men can get away with murder, practically and maybe probably literally? And I get that none of this is Jesus's fault, but it's healing for me to walk the path I'm walking now so thanks for respecting that.
Speaking of the main man of Christmas, here's another one: Santa Claus.
Growing up, we did not believe in Santa. We LOVED Christmas, and it was a magical time. We always got a present "from" Santa but knew it was my parents. They still snuck around and saved the best surprises for Santa to creatively leave out for us to discover. We left milk and cookies out for Santa, and they'd be mostly eaten in the morning. We knew it was Dad who ate them, but it was a cool touch. This seemed an ideal way to treat a Christmas icon, so I did the same thing with my kids.
D was fine. Mal, at the age of 4ish, decided that there WAS a Santa, despite my telling him that Santa Claus is a fictional character based on Saint Nicholas, a gentleman who wanted to help children and needy families. I told him that Santa Claus is the embodiment of the spirit of Christmas, but not a real entity. He insisted that he was.
Last year, he straight up asked me, "Mom, tell me the truth: Is Santa real?" And I said, "This is NOT fair! I always told you the truth, but you insist that he is real, and now we're at this place where I have to break your heart by telling you the truth. THIS is what I was trying to avoid!"
Cut to this year; Mal is 9 and at the age that a lot of kids start growing out of Santa. I don't know if he blocked my revelation out or what, but he's still going strong. He wrote a letter to Santa and put it in the mailbox a few weeks ago. When I've mentioned that some of the stuff he's asked for is pretty expensive, he's said, "That's okay. Santa will get it for me!" (He's lucky because the most expensive thing he wanted WAS gifted to us by a friend who had an extra one lying around. Ho ho ho, Christmas miracle and all that.)
Do you have periods? Do you hate them with a burning passion? Do you wish you could STOP having them? Have you, in fact, stopped having them as often and are super excited that you're about to be done with them forever? Do you think that there couldn't possibly be anything worse or more demoralizing than having to deal with bloody bodily fluids for several days per month?
Good news! There's something that is WORSE! It is so dehumanizing and challenging that it will push you to the brink of depression in a mere 24 hours!
I can tell: You're chomping at the bit. You're ready to hear what this miracle torture is. Well, great! I'll tell you.
It's called a 24-hour urine test. And if you're a lady and you go to Quest Diagnostics, they'll just hand you the same thing that I assume they hand a man: a container that looks vaguely like what you keep in the trunk of your car for in case you run out of gasoline and need to walk to a gas station and bring a half-gallon of gasoline back with you.
No instructions.
No way to collect the sample at all except to figure out how to eliminate into a small circle on a large jug that you will have to lower into the toilet, resulting in your having to clean the toilet, around the toilet, and the jug EVERY TIME YOU GO TO THE RESTROOM.
______________
I started this blog post 2 weeks ago, just after I'd done this. It sucked. It also confirmed that I have hyperparathyroidism, so I'm going in for a throat ultrasound and a bone density scan this afternoon. Fun times. Even the surgery to remove any offending parathyroid glands would be better than that stupid urine test. Also, if I had to choose between doing that 24-hour urine test or colonoscopy prep, I'd pick the colonoscopy prep every time.
Furthermore, I went 155 days without a period and started up again the day before we left for Phoenix last week. Good times. It was 118 days last year; wonder what I'll get up to next year or the year after before finding myself pregnant at the age of 62.
I can't believe that it's already the end of October! Lots has happened this month, much of it the typical stuff that happens every day, week, and month of the year. But let's hit some highlights, shall we?
First, and I'm cheating a little bit because this happened toward the end of September, but we need to remember it: Mal has always had sleeping issues. First, he wouldn't sleep if he wasn't touching my body. This made his infancy exhausting; I couldn't even put him down for a nap for more than about 10 minutes because he'd wake up. I had to wear him, or have him lying on top of me or right beside me. As he got older, he just wouldn't settle at night and sleep in a different room (except that one time Grandma Patsy visited, and he slept in his own room with her!), so he was in bed with James and me. A few weeks after we moved into this house, I decided to get him out of our bedroom and train him to sleep on a futon mattress on the floor of his room... which I did, but I ended up sleeping in there with him, and have ever since.
For a couple of years, we've had a hard cut-off of 10 years old. I've told him that he needed to figure it out because I was going to return to my bedroom by the time he turned ten. (Because even if he wasn't ready exactly at 10, pretty soon he'd want me out of his room and likely wouldn't feel comfortable telling me why, if you get my meaning.) Anyhoo, a couple of days before his 9th birthday, he told me he thought I could go into my own room when he turned 9! So that's what I did!
One side effect of this is that I sometimes snore a little, and D can hear it through the wall. James used to wake D up, but since he got a CPAP (I don't have apnea, plus I am a tornado when I sleep and not a good candidate) he's pretty quiet. James had gotten into the habit of closing the bathroom door and the closet doors to help insulate against noise pollution going into D's room, but we have a small wall that's still the only barrier between the rooms. So we invested in some acoustic tiles, and I think they're pretty cool-looking!
Next up, we went to trivia night at The Good Lot for the first time as a family. Mal played with other kids while D, James, and I did trivia. We won one of the three rounds, and the prizes included a flight of beer (they had cider, too!) and a cute skeleton shot "glass" (plastic). We'll definitely go back; I might even make it an event for our Tuesday library/park group. (I just did. I'm such an overachiever.)
Since we hadn't been to the state fair since pre-pandemic, we went the next-to-the-last weekend it was open and, for the first time in about ten years, D went with us! It was a lot of walking (we stayed in an adorable 4-plex about a mile from the park, so we walked 4 miles just getting there and back twice the day we went to the fair), a LOT of people, and a lot of money, but what a great weekend!
First, I was trying to show Mal a video of Big Tex because he didn't remember him. We were surprised to see ourselves a decade ago in The Daytripper's recently-released (or re-released?) video!
We had our mandatory stop at the Hillsboro Braum's on the way up. We got to the fair just as it was opening on Friday, and we were able to try the fried sushi bombs before the food court got too busy (and no one got shot, unlike the next evening, where apparently two guys got into a fight in one of the lines and one of them shot three people, all of whom are fortunately okay).
As per usual, we enjoyed the Go Texan! sample area. My favorite was the flavored olive oils. They had salsa, chocolate, hot sauce, and this year the dairy sample was an ice cream sandwich instead of a small cone. I guess Bessie the Cow doesn't visit anymore, which is probably better for the cow, but I always loved seeing what I'm assuming is the most beautiful calf they could find.
Little Hands on the Farm is done, but the petting zoo is still around. They moved it into a much larger arena, which really helps both with the crowds and the smell.
Mal surprised us by wanting to ride the Texas Skyway, a gondola that runs from the front of the park to the back (and vice-versa). He never wants to ride anything, so James thought if there ever was a time to spend nearly $50 on a 7-minute activity, this was it!
We finished up our fair food purchases for the morning with tornado fries (for Mal, mostly) and a bao taco trio. Man, those were amazing. Definitely the best thing we had that half of the day. The taco "shells" were made of bao dough, steamed as bao buns are, and were each filled with a different meat: pork belly, pulled barbecue beef, and chicken. I could have eaten a whole plate by myself, but we shared because we do have a mortgage to pay off.
We decided to take a break as the park was filling up around 1 PM. We spent the afternoon at the AirBnB relaxing, and then went back at nightfall.
We hit most (but not all) of the things we'd missed in the morning; most importantly, the craft competition. I always love looking at the things the people of Texas create! Also, butter sculpture.
Then we tracked down the one food we'd been wanting to try but were too full to find in the morning: a strawberry cheesecake sopapilla. Aww, man. Definitely the best dessert I've ever had at the fair. Worth finding, fighting people in lines around the sopapilla kiosk, and sitting in an area with a bunch of gnats to consume.
I think the only thing we'd wanted to see that we didn't was the Dia de los Muertos museum, and maybe the carved pumpkins in the greenhouse with the trains (if they even still have those).
All together, a great day at the fair! I was happy to go back in the evening because whenever we've gone in the past, we've just left midday and gone home or back to a hotel on the other side of town. Definitely a benefit of staying in the vicinity!
D was kind of "peopled out" so stayed "home" to recover the next day. James, Mal, and I got up and took the bus to Cafe Brazil, where James used to have brunch when he lived in Deep Ellum. Delicious, as always, and we got to experience the solar eclipse with a bunch of other diners and staff. I was glad we had our eclipse glasses, as they got passed around throughout the dining room and kitchen. It was so much fun to be excited with everyone else.
We then took the train downtown to poke around a bit before taking the train back to Fair Park and walking "home."
Believe it or don't, we had dinner that night at Cici's Pizza. It was like a block from our place and Mal wanted to go. Since James hadn't been to one in a while, he was down.
The next morning, we packed up and hit the Dallas Arboretum before we left town. I'd only ever been during the week, and holy cow was it busy. But it was a beauty, as ever.
On the way home, we stopped at Mal's favorite Hat Creek Burger in Temple for a late lunch and to say "howdy" to Nana and Pappy before ending our weekend away.
This weekend was the first time we've used Rover, a pet-sitting app/website, and we were very pleased! Our sitter sent pictures and updates every day, and was super conscientious and clean. I was surprised that I didn't need to sweep or vacuum up Aish hair when we returned. When they were younger, we'd have just left the cats alone for the 3 days we were gone. Alas, they're all teenagers and need a bit more maintenance.
In other news, Mal took an online assessment and qualified for a the regional semi-finals of a geography bee. We were supposed to have done that last weekend, but they had to reschedule for December at the last minute.
We're rounding out the month with Halloween, of course. Our little town has done stuff for Halloween ever since we moved here, but the celebration is getting better and better. Last year, a guy from Public Works built a few spooky decorations that were in the main park area. This year, they really let him go wild and used a small path across the way to showcase a half dozen of his creations. It was perfect in that it was pretty macabre, but also not threatening so kids were having fun exploring the "haunted walk."
And, of course, they had games for the kids, who were able to "earn" candy. It's the first year they haven't had a trunk-or-treat, but I think this is good, as they probably never knew whether they were going to have 4 participants or 15.
They also had hot dogs and chips available, which James and I especially appreciated because we both finished outside work (him: building a bed frame, me: mowing the lawn) right as it was time to walk down to the park.
Some more quick Mal things: Yesterday, he burnt himself on our tea kettle, which SUCKS, but it's because he was making himself ramen. It's the first time he's done it start to finish on his own. He swore off of using the kettle but I told him burning yourself is just part of learning to "cook." Next time he's going to use silicone gloves.
This week, he had his first dentist appointment in which he had ZERO cavities! His teeth are just prone to being meh, so I don't claim this as a win in terms of his dental care... but it is definitely a relief!
Finally, Mal played Scrabble with me for the first time Friday night, and although he is still working on figuring out where it's legal to place a word, he did really well in terms of pulling words out of scrambled tiles! After we played, he played once with Nana. When we got home, he played with his dad. Now that he has three practice games under his belt, we'll start keeping score. He told me, "Don't take it easy on me, Mom!" He should know that I would never.
This morning, we have all of the windows open and are just waiting on the cold front that will bring the temperature down from the 70s into the 40s. Normally, if it's going to get cold, I'd just try to keep the warmth in the house to stave off the heater coming on. But, dang, it's been so muggy and gross, I really want to feel the cold in all of its glory. I am wearing bike shorts and a tank top and can't wait until I need to put on pants and a sweatshirt! BRING IT!
*That's a joke. Clearly, the earth is a cube and the scientists are just trying to trick us because there are other planets that are also cubes very nearby and if we knew this, we could just hop around like Q-Bert without the need for commercial space travel and since no one can make money off of that system, they obscure it from us. Stay high, brothers.
Sometimes I think about what it must be like... just to walk away and have zero responsibility for a child you brought into the world.
All of the hard times and tears you've missed. All of the difficulties. You just live your life as if you never had a child. And maybe that hurts, but you're still protected. Protected from receiving the vitriol and anger. Protected from having to figure out what to try this time. Protected from hoping the next thing you try actually makes a difference.
You haven't invested thousands of dollars in care, in clothes, in food, in insurance, in medication. You haven't wrestled with how to love someone well who carries so much resentment toward you. You haven't had to watch your child struggle with needing and loving you when they so do not want to.
You live your life. You pursue what you will. You might have the occasional nagging thought of "what if..." but you never act on it. Not one time. You are your own world.
But I am the lucky one. I am the one who abides. All of the battles that child and I have fought, all of the words that have landed softly here and explosively there, the days of silence, the unexpected hugs... They're all mine.
You've missed so much, and I don't think you have the capability to care. I feel sorry for you.
"I was 50 years old when I finally got my nose pierced."
That's it. That's how the novel opens.
I don't actually know what happens after that, but the mind reels at the possibilities.
No cap, though, before James's and Mal's plane had landed in Seattle, I'd gotten a new tattoo (small rainbow on my neck; first one with color!) and my nose pierced. They're my birthday present to me.
See? It's super subtle!
I said "No cap" so you'll think I'm hip. I did the nose piercing because I freaking wanted to; they're so pretty and I've wanted one for a while. I'm a wimp, though, so it's not a septum piercing. I don't see how my Sapphic sisters do that. Also, cool thing about the hormonal whirlwind that might just be "the change," I am getting acne now. Good times. The day after my piercing, I developed a zit right above the site. Trying to manage that whilst also not really touching my nose in order to prevent an infection has been a lot of fun.
My birthday's in a couple of weeks, and James and Mal are on a short trip to see James's brother's family, including Luke the whippet. Seems like they're keeping busy and will probably both just crash out when they get home Monday night. Fortunately, James took Tuesday off to recover, and Mal's a kid so he doesn't really have much to do but catch up on rest when he gets here.
Since they've been gone, I've had lunch with my sister (her treat!), cleaned and organized James's office, done the permanent body modifications, had dinner with my friend Elana (her treat!) and our older kids, streamed a lot of television content while I was doing other stuff, swept and mopped all of the house where that's possible, cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms, had dinner with D (my treat!), and am planning to enjoy a morning all alone tomorrow when D starts their new job. Oh, and I've kept up with my DuoLingo Spanish lessons.
James was remarking the other day that I don't just sit down and chill a lot. I've really not been doing too much of that since he and Mal have been gone, but I've been doing more of it than usual.
Another fun possibly-perimenopausal-hormone-related thing, I'm getting so much less sleep than I have for most of my life. I typically need a GOOD 8 hours to function, and I'm getting more like 6.5-7.25 hours per night. I think I'm doing okay, but just have to get used to the fact that I need less sleep. So far, I haven't been plagued by the insomnia that is often present in women of a certain age. Guess we'll see how that goes.
It's Sunday now, so it's D's work orientation. It might not be necessary, because D might have a short day, but I'm planning to pack a sack lunch just in case they need food.
Then I'm going to try to roll out the dough I made yesterday for some hopefully fun sugar cookies I'm putting together for our LGBT-friendly homeschool meet-up group we started exactly one year ago! We have a great little den of friends from that. They're awesome kids, and I feel like they would be the antidote to folks who want to avoid their own children knowing about queer folks to "protect their innocence." Our awesome kids are about as starry-eyed and wholesome as you'd want kids to be. There's not a bully or mean girl among them. They're not perfect, but they're all great people who care about and enjoy each other so much. I'm super lucky I've gotten to watch them grow together, work out issues between themselves, and really develop deep connections with each other.
One other kind of cool thing... When I had dinner with my friend the other day, she asked me to take a look at a memoir she's been helping a guy write for the past five years. She's asked me to read/edit some work before, but until now I haven't felt that Mal was mature enough for me to be able to try. I'm going to give it a go now, though. They should be finished in the next few months, and I'll see what I can do.
It's almost light enough to go walk this morning, so I'm signing off for now!
For those of you keeping score, you'll know that Mal is turning 9 next month! I took this picture of him yesterday, wearing his 8th birthday shirt and we're going to have to retire the shirt soon!
A couple of weeks ago, Mal said that for his tenth birthday (yes, in 2024; he has had party themes lined up for almost a decade since he was 5), he wants to go to California. The things he specifically requested were: Super Nintendo World, Disneyland, and Hollywood.
I really had to think for a while about what he wants with "Hollywood," because I'm not sure what that means to him. When we lived in Las Vegas, we went to LA at least once a year, and during those times, we toured the NBC studios, where we saw sets from some of the shows we usually watched. We went to live tapings of "Home Improvement" twice (thanks, Dad!). We drove past the houses where they shot exteriors for Beverly Hills 90210 and Brady Bunch. We went to a small, quaint amusement park called Universal Studios Hollywood (which was only 30 years old at the time... and when we go with Mal, it will be 60 years old... which means that I AM OLD) where we got to see props and set pieces from familiar movies.
The thing is, Mal watches YouTube, cartoons, and a few live-action shows that James and I choose (oh, and every Star Wars show, which we all agree on). He doesn't have the "everyone has seen this" experience that I did when television was three channels plus PBS, and most of the movies we see now have sets courtesy of CGI rather than huge, sprawling creations like the Psycho hotel (which apparently is STILL there, even though we're probably two generations removed from being able to assume that anyone has viewed that particular pelicula).
However, after some time, I had worked out a perfectly-crafted trip incorporating things I felt Mal would consider iconic, as well as moving into some more of that nature that California is famous for so that James and I would feel equally catered to.
Then a couple of days ago, Mal decided that we HAVE to go to LEGOland. HAVE to. Before he turns 13. Because you can only drive the little cars where you get a LEGOland driver's license if you're under 13.
We'd planned to hit LEGOland first thing for our planned (and paid for ) April 2020 trip. In case you don't remember what happened in that far-away time, I'll refresh your memory: Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome Coronavirus-2. Remember that thing?
Mal would have been 5 for that trip, and even then, I thought we were reaching the end of the part of his childhood when he would find LEGOland interesting. One thing might be that he does NOT like thrill rides, so everything here will be his speed. But also, LEGOs. Or, more correctly, LEGO bricks. I know that's the proper way to say it, but it's so awkward. "Yay! Let's play with LEGO bricks!" Sorry, LEGO. It's just "LEGOs."
Anyhoo, I explained to him that I'd already planned a perfect trip that did not go that far south, and that trying to get that far south would mess everything else up. You might be thinking, as he did, "Why not just take one day and do it?" Well, if you're thinking that, then you're not the kind of trip planner that I am, and I'm not sure that I can make you understand.
But I'll try.
1) Have you ever heard of "crowd planner" websites? They're great. They let you know how busy theme parks will be on any given day, in general, your mileage may vary. I use them because I enjoy being able to have the most fun while avoiding the busiest days, thus making my big bucks that I spend on a trip go further. Because of those sites (my favorite is TouringPlans.com, and I'll join up just as soon as we're within a year of the trip so that I can get my personalized plan!), I know that in September, Disneyland has its Halloween party several times a week. On those days, if you don't have a ticket to the party, you have to leave the park at 5 PM. We did the Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party at Disney World in 2018 and it was fun, but I don't think we're interested in this one. SO that means that we need to hit either Magic Kingdom or California Adventure on either Monday or Wednesday. Those are the only two days of the week that we will want to be in a Disneyland park in September.
2) We don't want to go to ANY theme park on a weekend.
3) We don't want to take any flights on Friday-Monday.
4) We don't want to visit a state or national park on the weekend.
5) Some hotels in high-demand places have 2-night minimums during weekends or certain times of the year (like if it's a college town and you happen to want to stay there on parents' weekend, which I've only learned because I PLAN EARLY).
6) Since we're going to be bopping around so much, we will need to wash our clothes a couple of times on the trip (wash AND dry, because we'll have to pack them every or every other day), so I need to know that we'll have access to a guest laundry or nearby laundromat.
7. We're planning one night in a very popular national park that opens up reservations 366 days in advance, and they often sell out. Once I lock that reservation in, my ability to move things will be extremely restricted.
SO.
I happened to wake up at 4:30 Saturday morning, and my brain was telling me to get up and figure out how to squeeze LEGOland in. I worked out first, and then got to work. Two hours later, I had added, cut, and rearranged until I had another beautiful (if more road-heavy) trip worked out.
The night before, Mal had literally been sobbing about not being able to drive those cars before he turned 13. I try to treat my son as a fully-formed human with feelings that are worth of care, because he is and they are. But his crying about a still-pretty-hypothetical trip a year away (our last CA trip was canceled within 4 weeks of when we were supposed to go*) was a little much for me to absorb.
However, I felt he'd be so relieved to know that his good old mom made a way! So when I told him the next morning, he said, "Oh, okay." I was like, "WHAT? You were IN TEARS last night!" He said, "Huh? I don't remember that."
And that is why I'm not having any more kids.
Also, as aforementioned, I am old.
But also, he DID remember; he just thought I was saying that he cried in his sleep, and he didn't remember that.
But but also also, my early morning strategy session was greatly under-appreciated so I'm telling you in order to have my glorious accomplishment in writing forever, or at least as long as the internet lasts.
*Something interesting: James's brother's family had a trip to California, and LEGOland specifically, planned earlier this year. They got to the airport and soon after, Delta canceled their flight. They were able to find a flight 2 days later, but then Delta was unwilling to change their return flight without charging them, so they just got full refunds and bummed around their home state for a week. We decided that this might mean that California doesn't want anyone in our family there -- and specifically LEGOland, which wouldn't be in play if my original plan still stood. Are we cursed? Will we actually get to California? Set your reminders to check back in 15 months and we'll see!
At the risk of sounding like a sad old person: Can we talk about the weather?
We've had about a month of this, and it sucks. Las Vegas was hot, sure, but it WAS a dry heat. Here, it feels more dangerous. It's difficult to get outside to do anything but swim, though we are walking to the library and back for our weekly group meet-ups.
I look back and see pictures of us at the former-lake park year-round, including right now, and I am not sure whether it was significantly cooler or whether Mal was just small enough that he wasn't deterred by extreme heat.
Taken at the park in July 2019
Taken in August 2020 (see the water?!)
Between the politics here, and the increasingly uninhabitable climate, we might soon take refuge somewhere else. Mal has so many friends and my side of the family is all here... but good grief.
What do you guys think? Any hope regarding environmental changes that you want to share so I don't keep looking at rentals in Delaware?
