Bits and Pieces

Hello, fellow Americans (and any other nationalities, honestly... all are welcome)!

Yesterday was Mother's Day in the US, and my local family came out to my house to visit. We had a nice afternoon hanging out, and I didn't have to do anything because James and Mal picked out snacks, my Dad brought food and plates, and it was just a fun time all around.

Today, I had an early appointment at a radiology office, not realizing that I was getting some nuclear imaging and a CAT scan. Woo hoo. Fun times. Before going into the imaging chamber, I got an IV of radioactive material! About two short hours and I was done. What a psychic workout, though.

First, the radiologist was trying to keep my elbows in place (the camera automatically keeps 1 inch between itself and a body, and she didn't want me moving my arms and making the camera back off). It was kind of like swaddling, and it was comfy enough... until she started lowering the imaging plate to within 2 inches of my nose and my claustrophobia kicked in. I pulled off the sheet and promised that I would keep my elbows tucked under my own power. She offered to try something different and I told her that if I felt restrained, there was no way I could do it. So we kept my arms free and everything was relatively fine after that.

I had 3 different 5-minute scans, during which I could not move. I was kind of restless after those, but THEN it was time for a 25-minute scan! That one did a number on me, as I tried to relax and maybe even nap since I'd gotten less sleep than usual the night before. But my body kept bringing me back into the moment by suddenly detecting an itch in my right ear canal. Then making me hyper aware that the muscles in my leg were clinched and I needed to relax. Then noticing that my pinkies were falling asleep from my crossing my fingers, which was how I was keeping my elbows from flopping around, so I couldn't really move them but I also couldn't forget about how much I wanted to move. However, when the machine beeped that it was over, I'd thought we were only at the halfway point. 

After the long scan, I had to go into a CAT scan machine still without moving because it had to line up with the previous images. The tech had to "stitch" the pictures, and I was trying not to say anything until there was a natural break, but by then I REALLY needed another visit to the restroom (one of the symptoms of the hypercalcemia caused by hyperparathyroidism is that my kidneys are always trying to jettison calcium, thus pulling moisture from my body and causing me to need to evacuate a minimum of hourly). Fortunately, she was able to let me go before we did the 3 final 5-minute scans.

Shortly after I got home, James had deja vu from last spring, when Indeed announced that it was laying off 8% of its work force. This time, James didn't keep his job, and he said he's mostly numb about it, but I think it will end up being a good thing. Morale has tanked since last year's down-sizing (the first mass layoffs Indeed had ever done), and he hasn't been happy for a while. 

Classes and extra-curriculars are shutting down for the summer. Mal has been out of Wednesday classes for two weeks. This Wednesday, we're going to to to the splash pad where we had his birthday party. I'm probably going to plan an activity every Wednesday that I can, just to avoid general malaise (although I love being home). Since Mal is enjoying public transit so much (we took the bus to Urban Air last week and had a great time), I'll see what I can find that is nearby convenient stops (we had to walk almost a mile between the stop and UA, but it was fun).

Thursday is Mal's last homeschool open gym until fall. And our Tuesday group is always lighter in the summer, with people traveling and dealing with summer custody arrangements.

But Mal's looking forward to YMCA movie-making camp in about a month! It'll be his first sleep-away camp, and I hope it's as magical as Camp Coral (a SpongeBob series), which is why I think he was interested in camp in the first place.

This last thing I'm going to tell you about... well, if you're squeamish or just don't like TMI, then stop reading and we'll see you next post. 

If you're still here, allow me to say: I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS! And by "this," I mean continuing my fertility. I, too, had deja vu today. We were in Montreal exactly a year ago (sigh) and the last full day we were in town, I took Mal to an indoor playground. We spent a LOT of time on public transit to get there. On the bus ride, I felt a kind of "swoosh" feeling that was weird. When we got to the playground, I went into the restroom and there was blood EVERYWHERE. I was wearing a menstrual cup (which I've used without leaks since 2010), AND period underwear. And still, my khaki slacks were absolutely drenched in blood.

I had a stain stick and pretty much used it up. It kind of diluted the visible blood, though it definitely looked like I'd peed myself. Oh well. I wasn't going to end the day early and travel an hour back to the hotel room just to change. I moved my stuff from a cloth seat to a leather chair and just dealt with it. It was fine; I didn't make a mess anywhere but on myself. Then Mal and I went to McD's before heading back several hours later.

(It's the next day).

Since then, I've had one overnight situation which hadn't happened since I stopped wearing pads in my early 20s. I determined to remember to change out IMMEDIATELY before bedtime from then on, and have done so.

But yesterday, as I used the restroom prior to my eternal scan situation, I realized I'd started my period. I'd gotten up in the dark so hadn't seen any clues at home. But by the time I made it to the radiology clinic, I suppose I'd been free-bleeding for about two hours. I didn't have on my period underwear (my periods are extremely irregular -- thanks, perimenopause! -- and I didn't get the usual two-day warning of hormone-induced stress this time. 

I had my cup with me as always, but had to do the whole procedure knowing that I'd bled straight through my jeans. Ehh. Got home, changed, was fine the rest of the day.

Then last night, I got the same feeling as on the bus a year ago. Got up and there was just blood EVERYWHERE. I don't understand what or how it is happening, but I'm over it. Cleaned up, went for a walk, could tell I was leaking. Had to change and clean up AGAIN when I got home.

Friends, I am almost 52 years old! This nonsense needs to stop. At least I will probably be at least mostly finished by next week. I don't want to have to do the pad/mesh underpants combo I discussed with the surgical nurse.

A Novel's Perfect First Sentence...

"I was 50 years old when I finally got my nose pierced."

That's it. That's how the novel opens.

I don't actually know what happens after that, but the mind reels at the possibilities.

No cap, though, before James's and Mal's plane had landed in Seattle, I'd gotten a new tattoo (small rainbow on my neck; first one with color!) and my nose pierced. They're my birthday present to me.

See? It's super subtle!

I said "No cap" so you'll think I'm hip. I did the nose piercing because I freaking wanted to; they're so pretty and I've wanted one for a while. I'm a wimp, though, so it's not a septum piercing. I don't see how my Sapphic sisters do that. Also, cool thing about the hormonal whirlwind that might just be "the change," I am getting acne now. Good times. The day after my piercing, I developed a zit right above the site. Trying to manage that whilst also not really touching my nose in order to prevent an infection has been a lot of fun.

My birthday's in a couple of weeks, and James and Mal are on a short trip to see James's brother's family, including Luke the whippet. Seems like they're keeping busy and will probably both just crash out when they get home Monday night. Fortunately, James took Tuesday off to recover, and Mal's a kid so he doesn't really have much to do but catch up on rest when he gets here.

Since they've been gone, I've had lunch with my sister (her treat!), cleaned and organized James's office, done the permanent body modifications, had dinner with my friend Elana (her treat!) and our older kids, streamed a lot of television content while I was doing other stuff, swept and mopped all of the house where that's possible, cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms, had dinner with D (my treat!), and am planning to enjoy a morning all alone tomorrow when D starts their new job. Oh, and I've kept up with my DuoLingo Spanish lessons.

James was remarking the other day that I don't just sit down and chill a lot. I've really not been doing too much of that since he and Mal have been gone, but I've been doing more of it than usual.

Another fun possibly-perimenopausal-hormone-related thing, I'm getting so much less sleep than I have for most of my life. I typically need a GOOD 8 hours to function, and I'm getting more like 6.5-7.25 hours per night. I think I'm doing okay, but just have to get used to the fact that I need less sleep. So far, I haven't been plagued by the insomnia that is often present in women of a certain age. Guess we'll see how that goes.

It's Sunday now, so it's D's work orientation. It might not be necessary, because D might have a short day, but I'm planning to pack a sack lunch just in case they need food.

Then I'm going to try to roll out the dough I made yesterday for some hopefully fun sugar cookies I'm putting together for our LGBT-friendly homeschool meet-up group we started exactly one year ago! We have a great little den of friends from that. They're awesome kids, and I feel like they would be the antidote to folks who want to avoid their own children knowing about queer folks to "protect their innocence." Our awesome kids are about as starry-eyed and wholesome as you'd want kids to be. There's not a bully or mean girl among them. They're not perfect, but they're all great people who care about and enjoy each other so much. I'm super lucky I've gotten to watch them grow together, work out issues between themselves, and really develop deep connections with each other.

One other kind of cool thing... When I had dinner with my friend the other day, she asked me to take a look at a memoir she's been helping a guy write for the past five years. She's asked me to read/edit some work before, but until now I haven't felt that Mal was mature enough for me to be able to try. I'm going to give it a go now, though. They should be finished in the next few months, and I'll see what I can do. 

It's almost light enough to go walk this morning, so I'm signing off for now!

Hormones are stupid (mine, anyway)

There is a lot going on right now.

The surveyor who is helping us repeat our lots for the house we're building found some discrepancy in the property line between us and our next door neighbor. The neighbor believe that the boundary is our fence when he bought his house, but he's wanting to figure out how much land he might be standing to "give away" if he signs off on our agreement that the fence IS the boundary. We have no idea how much it is going to cost or how long it is going to take to fix this.

D went off on me today, which hasn't happened in a while but is also not an irregular occurrence. Many hurtful things were said (which I have no doubt were sincere on their part; I mostly stayed quiet).

We've had a number of sort of surprise expenses lately, just as we were already having to pull money out of savings to meet our mostly-normal expenses. I'm shocked at how it can still be challenging to squirrel any money away when your household income is above the national median income. And we do not have a lavish lifestyle. We are comfortable; we're fortunate. But it is really close every payday, and has been for almost a year.

If you ask me how I feel, though, the truth is that I feel upbeat and pretty positive. That's kind of my default.

Four weeks ago, though? After I put everything on the cabinet into the sink so I could use it to stage the clean dishes from the dishwasher and James said, "I was using that fork and spoon," I burst into hysterical tears. For the second time in two days. And the first time was an equally stupid trigger."

I think I'm in pre-menopause. As we speak, my current cycle is 39 days (which I only know thanks to Apple Health), and I've had a 60-day cycle in the past year. I'm kind of scared, though, because when that 60-day one ended, the next cycle hit with a vengeance of pain, sensitivity, nausea, and chills. 

And the hormones.

There are maybe 3 days per cycle where I'm emotionally out of control. I spent one weekend listening to the Encanto soundtrack and weeping uncontrollably. I get overwhelmed by my responsibilities, and I resent the people around me for not making my life easier. Then I'm back to "normal" again.

I really hate how unpredictable it is. I feel badly for my family, even though I try to warn James, at least, when I can feel the cloud coming on.

I'm hesitant to take "drugs" for it, because most mood-altering meds have to build up in your system... and I'm only off-balance a few days per month, if that. 

So, I get it. You need hormones to metabolize food and have babies and sleep and stuff. But I'm wondering if they're worth it right now.

Not that I'm complaining about being in a sort of serene place right now. Just good grief. The lack of control. Yeesh.

This lady is closing in on 50, baby!