Get Out

Although I have screwed up on the job plenty, I have never been fired.

Even when I was going through a very messy breakdown of my marriage, divorce, and the aftermath of that, the community theater let me do all 4 of the shows I auditioned for and got parts in.

Over the years, I have acted harmfully in many ways, but my family of origin never once said, "We are done with you. You need to move on."

I was young and stupid during the years I volunteered for Greyhound Pets of America, but they appreciated me and let me do whatever I was willing and able to do.

My best Vegas friend, Adrienne, and my sister, Sarah, have both walked with me through a bunch of hot mess express action, lending nothing but support in the moment, even if they admitted later, "I could not believe you were doing that."

But you know what? I've been "invited" to leave two Christian churches.

The first, when I was going through my divorce. The invitation to leave was framed as the fact that coming to church seemed to be traumatic for me. It was true that I broke down most church services; music has the ability to open up places in your heart that you've tried to lock shut. I was going through a lot. It was presented to me as a mercy, but I know why they wanted me gone because they'd told me as much: They saw my struggle with the church leaders through my divorce as "divisive." They monitored my social media and blog to make sure I wasn't making them look bad. They had people express concern that I was being used as an example, since I was so visible in the congregation. They were worried that, in trying to show that the church really supported marriage, they were scapegoating me and hurting me as an individual. 

Several years after I left, most of the people I was close to there left and started their own church, a kind of reboot of the church we'd attended together. I hope it works for them.

The second time I was told, "If you won't submit to our shepherding in this, I'm not sure what we have for you here." It was because I was marrying James, who isn't a Christian. Unequally yoked and all of that. I stayed at that church for another 3 good years. I wonder now why.

This week, I got kicked out of my third organization, this time before I ever even showed up.

There is a homeschool group that has been meeting weekly in Lago Vista. It's been on Wednesday, when we already have a weekly event, but they recently changed it to Monday, so I was excited to take Mal. They have free play for one hour (outdoors usually, but not now during the five months of climate change hell that is Austin in the spring and summer), and then an organized activity like art or a science project. And someone usually reads aloud. It sounded really cool.

Last week, someone had asked a question and I mentioned something about being "an LGBT family" and how sometimes that means we're not welcome in some homeschooling spaces (which I can usually sniff out and avoid). No one responded in any way to my particular comment, so no biggie. But yesterday, I received a notice that said, "Since the group is growing so quickly recently" -- I'd been a part of it for probably 6 months -- "I just wanted to remind you that we are a Christian group. We are so fortunate to meet at *XYZ church* and we have agreed to them not to say or do anything in the building or on this page that is contrary to the gospel of Jesus Christ." Um, okay? So what exactly IS contrary to the gospel of Christ? Like what are the rules? I mean, I 100% know how my son will respond if he's asked if he has any brothers or sisters. And it's simple. He'll say, "I have a sibling." Does this make the baby Jesus cry?

So, anyway, short story is we are out of the group.

I have concerns about this "keeping the group pure from messiness" and avoiding addressing the realities of the world in which we live. When the ancient Israelites were in captivity, God told them to live their full lives and work for the flourishing of the country around them. I feel like Christianity has more of a "circle the wagons" mentality than a "throw the doors open, you'll be at home here" ethos. It is not difficult for me to understand why church attendance has declined precipitously over the years. There's no place for people who are perceived as "dangerous" because their lives don't align to a pretty Puritanical lived experience that many families and communities want to cultivate. "Protect the children" only applies to THEIR children. If the heathens' children have to suffer, well, I guess the Holy Spirit will take care of it? 

I think that a lot of church-going folk interpret "They will know we are Christians by our love" as love for each other, for the ones who look and think like they do. For the people who don't challenge what they think they know about what the Bible says or means. For people who are easy, who don't have messes out in the open, and for the ones who don't drink, smoke, or cuss. I'm pretty sure Jesus loved everyone. He surely hung out with everyone. 

And, honestly, I don't care at this point. I don't care what those "Christians" think about anything or whether they're right or wrong. I had a very comfortable home in the christian culture when I was naturally just doing stuff that the church liked (like not having sex when I was in high school... which was 100% about self-preservation on my side, but it looked "pure" or "holy" or whatever). When that's not how you live, christianity is quite ostracizing, othering, and unwelcoming. So I'm not wasting my time worrying about it anymore.

The Perfect Guy

Literally every day of my life, something happens that makes me think, "Thank God I married James." James has said to me enough times that I remember it a lot: "I know you're not perfect, but you're perfect for me." And that's exactly how I feel about him. He is *the* partner for me. I tell him this, but probably not enough. It's really quite spectacular.

So to the men (yep, multiple) who tried to change me, and to the church people who tried to steer me straight on more than one occasion... I'm really sorry you wasted your time and energy. Turns out I didn't need you or your "helpful" advice. I am actually fine, and all of the decisions that I needed to make to end up where I am now were fine. I just needed a few years to be truly myself, accepted for what I am, in order to realize who I was, absent other people's approval-based persuasion.

Not a day goes by that I do not marvel at the match James and I make. There have been so many changes to my life and my worldview that would have made me completely unfit for anyone else I might have ended up with. There's a whole laundry list in my head that I can't detail here without insulting people or telling others' stories, but... I heard this on Saturday Night Live a couple of weeks ago, and it will always make me think of my amazing husband. He's pretty easy to love, too.

Is It Going to Hurt?

I've signed up for the membership class at the church we've been attending since the beginning of the year (literally; we went the first time on New Year's Day). This is a big deal. I have been invited to leave the last two churches to which I belonged (and left the one before that because of a big split down the middle that was a fight in which I was not involved and did not want to participate).

What does one have to do to be invited to leave a church? In my specific situation(s): carry on with an "unscriptural divorce," and marry an "unbeliever." The situations were vastly different, with the first being "you have to do XYZ and if you do any other letters, you have to go" and the second being, "if you can't trust leadership on this issue, I'm not sure what else we have to offer you." But both hurt.

Am I more rebellious than the average church-goer? Do I not value the guidance of the Lord and wish to obey him? Actually, that second one is a question with which I have wrestled most of my life, and most intensely in the past seven years or so.

I realize that the Bible mentions specifically only one reason, sexual infidelity, for divorce (so when my church offered "physical abuse" as another out, they were being every bit as "unscriptural" as I was, in my view). It also says not to be "unequally yoked" to an unbeliever. It (the New Testament, specifically) also tells women to cover their heads when they pray; and not to braid their hair or wear gold; and not to speak in church, but to ask their husbands questions at home. It talks about how all Cretans are liars and gluttons. And that we should keep the Passover festival. And many people take those literally and observe the commands, while many people are of the opinion that there are things, even in the New Testament (because I'm speaking to Christians, who largely see the Old Testament as Judaic law and history, which does not apply to them/us), that are not literal but illustrative; that are cultural notes not intended to apply widely to all people in all times; or that were included as a personal note from the writer and not a command from God.

So a lot of times, when people who genuinely love Jesus and want to bring God's kingdom to earth, say or do things that they feel justified in doing without compromising their faith, a common question is: If you're going to pick and choose what to believe, where do you stop? And that's a valid question. For everyone. Because we all do it. Every single one of us. I can't tell you which parts of the Bible you should literally apply to your life because I'm not the Holy Spirit. And if there were only one "right" answer to that for everyone, I don't think there'd be a need for the Holy Spirit. Because we'd all just "get" what the Bible meant, and we'd all agree.

But I digress.

My point is that joining a church is an invitation to be hurt, honestly. Yes, it's an invitation to join with others to do some good in this world. I looked carefully before choosing a congregation, and am confident that this is one where I can help make a difference here and now. (Or in a few months/years when Mal will let me do stuff.)

And I don't think the Christian faith should be "easy." But there is "difficult" and there is "something is wrong here."

For instance, when you go hiking, it's not easy. You have to work. You have to push yourself. You have to make adjustments. Sometimes, you think, "Blehh; it's too hard." But you persevere. It's different if you're wearing ill-fitting shoes on the hike, and every step is painful and damaging.

Basically, I want to be somewhere that I can appropriately submit to the church authorities while still being able to make some decisions that might cause tension, without being seen as "in rebellion."

And, heck, in the first instance, my "rebellion" was largely just acting out of a horrible place where I wasn't sure how to proceed. The second time... well, it was just the right thing to do, no two ways about that. I'm more "equally yoked" to my current husband than I ever was to the Christian one... And maybe that *does* say a lot about me. But I'd rather be tethered to someone who has empathy and extends love without judgment than not. *shrug*

Wish us all luck, I suppose?

Rejoice with those who rejoice

The other day, my mom posted a picture of Mal on her Facebook page. A friend private messaged her and said, "I saw the picture of your grandson. So sad. I will continue to pray for your family, and especially your daughter, that she will see the error of her ways and return to God. It's just not right for those poor bastard children. They don't deserve this."

Okay, that didn't actually happen. And if it did, most of us would think, "Good gravy, person! RUDE!"

This doesn't happen, even though I've been twice divorced, neither time for what the literal-Bible-takers would consider "scriptural reasons." (And the first time, especially... that was just selfishness and my being a total jackass.) So, carrying that out to its logical conclusions, God did not recognize my second marriage, and I can't even imagine what he feels about this third one. So neither of my kids have legitimate parentage according to that, yet no one feels compelled to mention this to my parents when they talk about me or my kiddos.

As a parent, I love it when my kids are happy. I love it when they do well. I love when I can share something funny or neat or celebratory about them. I love it when my friends get on board and are happy for our family. I think all parents love the same things.

Over and over lately, I've heard and read things fellow moms have written as their hearts break, and you know why? Because their child came out as gay (or transgender) and even though the mom might have been caught off-guard at first, she has worked through her own stuff to come back to that place where you just love your kid because he or she is your kid, and their relationship is the better for it.

But then she posts a picture of her FTM son in his prom tuxedo, looking handsome. Or she shares a picture that the photographer took of her lesbian daughter and husband dancing at the daughter's wedding.

Now, Facebook explodes with prom pictures in the spring, and "I can't believe how grown-up she looks!" and "Beautiful! Love that dress!" and "Hope they have fun!" and the mom of the transgender kid sees that. She also sees how her post languishes, with no one really chiming in. She posted a picture because she loves her kid and is proud of him. Her friends are uncomfortable and, not knowing how to respond, don't. Or they are disgusted and tell her. Where is the encouragement? Where is the, "I love you and I love your kid!" that friends are supposed to have for each other?

And wedding pictures? My goodness, people "like" and comment like crazy on our kids' special days. Unless it's a gay wedding. Then people shake their heads. Maybe "hide" the post. Maybe unfriend the person. Maybe even message them and ask how they can support such a sinful thing.

That mom isn't gay. That mom is loving her child unconditionally. And regardless of how anyone feels about homosexuality, why can't people just support their friends and find SOMETHING positive to say, so that those moms who already know their sweet offspring is being judged (something we all know HURTS our hearts) will know that they themselves aren't?

After I left my first husband, I was living with a guy literally old enough to be my dad (he had a son 11 months younger than I was). Did my parents approve of the whole enterprise? Um, no. Did I know this? Heck, yes. When they went to see Bette Midler at the MGM Grand Casino (back when we all lived in Las Vegas), and they knew that I loved her, did they buy a ticket not only for me but for the guy I was dating, and treat us to a nice dinner beforehand? Yes. Yes, they did. Why? Because they loved me and they wanted a relationship with me.

Did anyone call them on the carpet for not shunning me due to my "sinful lifestyle?" I don't believe that they did.

If you have a problem with homosexuality, then you don't have to comment on a friend's picture of their kid, "I wish them a lifetime of joy!" (thought why wouldn't you?). You can say, "She looks beautiful." Or, "Everyone looks so happy."

Why break a woman's heart even as it's already being broken over and over just by watching how people react to and treat her kid? Especially as a church, I think we have to do much better with this.

And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another.

A Quick Word About the "Call to Action"

How are you guys feeling about July 4th? Do you kind of feel a a little bruised about America based on the events of the past couple of weeks? There are lots of people with lots of viewpoints, but I feel like most of us have been disappointed either by our fellow Americans or our government or our political process or either our lack of social progress in the past 200 years or what seems like a rocket-ship's speed of progress.

I'm not going to talk about my opinions about any of it, though I definitely do have thoughts. If you want to talk about it, let's meet and talk. No one ever changed his or her mind on a touchy subject (like politics, racism, marriage equality, gun rights, etc.) based on an internet showdown, least of all based on my little blog.

What I wanted to address specifically is one thing that I've seen come up several times on the internet (which, whatever, we're a bunch of random weirdos so just carry on) but also in my social media feeds... and you guys are my friends, and I love you, and I hurt that you hurt, and I also think that you're maybe worried about the wrong things and are maybe thinking that there's something coming and you need to do something, but the thing you're wanting to do isn't the important thing.

Sorry for the vaguery. I genuinely don't want to step on anyone's toes, and I definitely want this post to reflect the love and sympathy I have... maybe I should have done it as a vlog, but I can't talk when my child is asleep, and I don't get a minute to the computer when he's awake, so thanks for bearing with this, and for giving me every benefit of the doubt.

I've seen the following phrases called forth on social media recently: "call to action," "battle lines," and various takes on that kind of thing. If you're one of the ones posting that, may I speak with you for just a moment?

Yes, Jesus called us to action. He did. He said to go and make disciples. In his word, though many writers, he said to stand up for the defenseless (especially widows and orphans). Visit people in prison. Take care of the sick. Feed the hungry. Whatever you do to the least of these, that kind of thing.

However you feel about the Supreme Court's ruling on "gay marriage," allow me to assure you of this one thing: gay people are not your enemy. There is no epic, Cristendom-wide battle against them, or the culture, or any of it. We have one enemy, and that's Satan. He comes to kill, steal, and destroy. If you feel like you HAVE to act or you'll go crazy, I promise you that two people of the same gender getting married should not be your target. Likely, it will not affect you in the least, dire predictions aside.

If you want to be mad, and direct that anger at something productive, join Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Become a Court-Appointed Special Advocate. Go downtown and sit and have a thirty minute conversation with the marginalized transient. Visit a nursing home and take your kids. Volunteer to keep the kids of a single mom you know so she can get out for a while. Mow your elderly neighbor's yard. Find out what you can do to stop child trafficking. Go visit a random person in jail. See if there are opportunities to help out at an unplanned pregnancy center, or food kitchen, or organization that helps women transition out of the sex industry.

These people, good Christians, they NEED you.

You know what else? I need you.

I feel useless so often, unable to get a shower some second (or even third) days, because I have such a high needs baby. It breaks my heart to think that anyone who might have the time and righteous anger to spare is going after something that has been around for years and only now has an official seal of approval from the government (and, honestly, who cares about the government? I don't think it should license, approve, incentivize, or be any part of marriage in any way, but that's another subject).

So get out there. Show me how awesome it is. Then hound me, and make me realize that I *do* have time. I do. I need to get out there myself. I need to love more, and to serve more. And stop making excuses. And, frankly, to expect all of you to change so I can feel better about myself.

Believe me, I get you. I get that it hurts to think that your deity is being disregarded, but God doesn't need our defense. We're not called to defend "our" way or to stand up as a big bloc to the nations. The zealots expected that, and Rome was far worse than the US, but Jesus was apolitical. There was never any call to fight against the corrupt government or culture. Not one mention of it, by way of instruction or example.

Please stop predicting that this one thing is going to call down God's judgment on us as a nation. First of all, the United States isn't Israel, Part II; we don't have a covenant with God like they did. I don't know what God's "blessings" on our country that people are decrying will end even mean. Secondly, we've committed some government-sanctioned atrocities in the past 200 years, and we're still here. Genuine, robbing-of-freedom and taking-of-lives for no reason stuff. Actions that have pretended that every person is not a person bearing God's likeness. And we persist as a nation.

Even Rome managed to hang around for a good several hundred years after the death of Christ and ensuing persecution of Christians. And those WERE God's people, yet he didn't smite Rome. Those people just sat around and thought up torture for amusement. There is zero way that our country's atmosphere is worse or more deserving of divine punishment.

So don't worry, don't sound alarms that will make you... make us look foolish later.

Please.

If you're just so mad you feel like you have to do something, please do. But why not do something that will leave a legacy of love, so that maybe people will look back at this time in the future and say, "Wow, they really stepped up and helped change the culture." In a good way. In a way that people cannot deny is loving and helpful. Maybe even, "I did not expect that," with smiles on their faces?

Please.

King James

Tonight, I finished reading "A Year of Biblical Womanhood" by Rachel Held Evans, a book I highly recommend to anyone, but especially to Christian women (and thoughtful men) who have grown up in a church culture that heavily dictates gender roles, and to women (and thoughtful men) for whom the misogyny (real and presumed) of the Christian culture as supported (in theory) by the Bible have been a deal-breaker to approaching a relationship with Jesus.

Thank you for suffering through that awkwardly long run-on sentence with me.

In addition to falling in love with the author within the first two pages of the book, I finished the book pretty darned fond of her husband, as well. What we see of him in the book, both from her narrative and excerpts from his journal, speaks highly of him as a person and as a life partner.

Of course, this reminded me often of my own husband. In fact, this blog title is a sort of play on the fact that for one month of the "biblical womanhood" project, Evans called her husband "master."

Tonight, taking a shower, I was thinking a lot about James. Before you get a bunch of sordid ideas, allow me to explain:

Early this spring, we went on a vacation to Colorado. We stayed in 4 different hotels during the week of the road trip. After we'd gotten home, we were discussing how, until the last night, our accommodations improved, comfort-wise and in elegance, each time we moved. It was during that conversation that James mentioned being really impressed with and enjoying the detachable shower head at the third place where we stayed.

"You realize," I said, "That our shower here at the house has the same kind of sprayer?"

He said, "It does?"

"Yes."

"But that one had a massage setting."

"So does ours."

He had to go into the bathroom to check it out.

That's why I was thinking about him in the shower tonight. I think about him a lot, but especially when I use the shower sprayer function... AND before you get any sordid ideas about THAT, I'll tell you that unless I've gotten paint or mud or something sticky on myself, I only ever use the detachable head to clean the blinds and the far end of the shower (where we keep the hair product... and in our household, we have all of the needs) while I wait for my conditioner to work.

James and I sometimes joke about how "observant" he is. BUT, here's a thing:

A couple of weeks ago, James brought home a box of See's chocolates for me to put in my "labor bag." I have healthy, easily-edible snacks like applesauce pouches and chewy freeze-dried bananas and yogurt drops, but had mentioned at some point that chocolate was very easy to eat and digest. In fact, in "Real Chocolate" by Chantal Coady, the author points out that "[c]hocolate is even used as a homeopathic remedy, indicated for feelings of hostility, especially when mothers feel anger and frustration toward their offspring. The effect is to restore the nurturing mother side and to promote a general sense of well-being."

So, my dear husband might not have noticed, in the year and a half he's occupied the Nuthaus, that there is a multi-functioning shower head, but he did overhear me mention that at some point I needed to get to See's, he took his lunch break one day to drive up the maddening circus that is 360 to the candy shop, and personally selected candies he thought I would like to fill the box he presented to me.

He is observant about the things that matter.

And he is the best partner in the whole world for me.

This weekend (and right now in general), I was pretty hormonal. Sunday morning, I was sweeping the house and had a little pity party for myself. I started crying, and though brushing up mounds of cat fur and corn/pine litter isn't particularly inspiring, it doesn't generally bore me to tears.

James, who had been working at the computer, came into the kitchen where I was and just stood there. He didn't ask me what was wrong. James told me that his mom taught him not to pry into people's problems; if they want to talk to you, they'll talk to you. And I did want to talk to James; I want to tell him everything... But in this case, my feelings were hurt in reaction to something someone else did, and in that moment, talking to James about it before I'd had a chance to talk it over with that person felt like gossip, so I didn't want to do that.

Also, if I'd thrown the broom down and crumpled in James' arms, he would have supported me. But I really wanted to finish sweeping more than I wanted to indulge in a total breakdown, thus completely wasting my time.

Still, that sweet man stood in the kitchen, available but unassuming, giving me my space, but not too much space, until he was satisfied that I was okay. He didn't sit as his computer and ignore the "crazy woman hysterics" in the next room. He acknowledged me by this presence and was available. And he wasn't offended that I chose not to utilize him any more than I did.

In other words, it was perfect.

I know James himself isn't perfect. But he's perfect for me. He is brilliant and driven and busy and introverted, but he manages not to make me feel stupid; he takes time to play Scrabble (on the couch, even, so I can keep my feet up) and share old movies with me; he will sit and talk to me for hours, even when it's the third day we've been in the house together.

I love that man, and I love our life together. I hope we have lots and lots of years left to enjoy it.

The first time we visited See's, for their pre-grand-opening blogger event.

In the storm, an island of peace

My life was pretty volatile in 2011. By the end of the year, I was worn out. But during the madness, there were pockets of peace and surprise blessing that reminded me that God hadn't gone anywhere and that he could be trusted.

2012 got a lot better, and after I moved to Austin, everything kind of fell into a place of contentment and rest. For a while, at least, it looks like things may be shaken up again and I appreciate everyone who's been praying. Those of you who have questions... I'm sorry, but I can't really answer those. I can't give specifics, especially not in a public forum, or in writing at all. There are people I need to respect and stories that aren't mine to tell wrapped up in all of it.

What I do want to tell you about, though, is a very cool thing that happened on Friday, amid some serious stress and concern.

Usually, I get up half an hour or so before James, make his coffee, make his lunch and breakfast... and, yes, I love it. He takes such good care of us that I relish the opportunity to take care of him. So, anyway, this time, he needed to use the restroom before I got into the shower, so I stayed in bed until he returned. Then I didn't feel very motivated to get up, so I laid there while he fell back to sleep and prayed over him.

His work has been stressful for him, and I prayed something I've never prayed before. I mean, I've prayed for him and for his work, but on this day, I actually laid my hands on him and prayed that today (Friday) would be different. That he'd know how much he's appreciated, and how much they value him.

At 1 o'clock, James texted me that he was on his way home. The only other time he's come home after half a day was when he'd lost a job. I thought, "Well, if they let him go, that's different, at least, so that's an answer."

As it turns out, his office had let everyone go home early to regroup from an intense few weeks.

So he was home by 1:30, and then all hell kind of broke loose that afternoon. Like, people were asking me, "Can someone be at your house with you?" and James was already here.

What's cool is how God not only answers prayer, but prompts us to pray for what we need even before we know we need it. Like I said, I'd never prayed, "Let today be different" before. But I did. And it was. Because God already knew, and he was already setting everything up... and he let me come along for the ride.

Now if I can just keep this in the forefront of my mind, not letting fear or anxiety take over, surfing the next few weeks shouldn't be too big of a deal.

Another open letter...

Sometimes, when I hear a certain song, or I see an odd post on Facebook, or get into a conversation with someone about my story, I think about you. I thought about you last night, and my chest hurt a little bit and I hoped and prayed that your heart is at peace.

When I was going through a particularly rough time in my life, you reached out to me. You were asked to, and you did. You listened to me. Your advice was quiet and gentle. I appreciate all of those things. I have always appreciated you, and the smiles you have for everyone, and your gracious presence. You never demand attention. You are supportive and encouraging. You are a great example for me.

But you were wrong about one thing. At least you were wrong for me, and I hope to God that you were overstating the situation as it plays out in your life, too.

"... and... life pretty much sucks, anyway, so..."

You shrugged.

In absolute love, both for me and for Jesus, you gave me advice with this caveat.

But life *doesn't* suck.

It isn't supposed to.

It can be difficult. It can be senseless to our limited vision. It can be frustrating, and maddening, and hurtful, and exhausting. But, especially for those of us who try, however messily, to submit our lives to the Lord, there's always an undercurrent of peace that doesn't make sense. Of "abundant life" that has zero to do with how much money is in the bank, or how healthy we are, or anything that can be physically grasped.

Besides that, life can be beautiful, and unreasonably generous, and magical, and reassuring, and celebratory, and all of that.

When I wake up in the middle of the night, still holding hands with my husband, it strikes me how incredibly wonderful this life is.

When I look across the dining room table to see each member of my family trying to figure out which card to play next, I'm overwhelmed by the greatness of the here and now.

Oh, yes, I have a hope that goes beyond the temporary... but I also have a rich existence that is wondrous and glorious... and life *doesn't* "pretty much suck, anyway." It's miraculous moment after miraculous moment, and I hope I never take any of them for granted.

I sincerely wish for you that your words were not a genuine description of how you feel about your world. I want so much for you to experience the goodness of this life. I hope that you are.

Sometimes, I can be (not very em)pathetic

Watching the scene unfold from the peanut gallery, I have my opinions. Given the garbage I have managed to produce in my life, my ability to judge others' motives with impunity is astonishingly intact. Things happen that I pretty much knew would pan out that way, so surprise doesn't play into it... instead, I have a haughty sense of low expectations fulfilled.

Then it happens, as it did today: God smacks me in the back of the head with my own 2x4, and I never saw it coming. Glancing over, I watch this person slip into a moment of utter despair, and without it ever registering in my conscious brain, I am destroyed. I begin to sob, and memories flood back. Memories of being in exactly the same spot. Memories of singing praises, and genuinely meaning them, or at least wanting to mean them, but having their celebratory lyrics stand in stark contrast to the reality of the gloom I was experiencing. Knowing that I loved and trusted God, and that there was a plan for my life, but not really sure how that would parse out to the little things... like walking back out to my car. Everything seemed overwhelming. It was too big for me, and I needed God and his people... at the same time that being around his people hurt. Because what I was going through was an intensely private thing. And everyone knew. And everyone had an opinion... And now I've become "those people."

God help me.

When Daphne was little, sometimes she'd get hurt because she'd do something I'd told her not to do. As tempting as it was to lecture her, I knew better. When she was in severe pain, even though it could have been avoided, I knew that it wasn't the time for a life lesson. It was time to put my arms around her and try to help her feel better.

God help me not to care whose fault it is. Help me to put my arms around those who are hurting and even if all I can offer is comfort, to give freely, without listening to my inner Church Lady. Help me to remember how repelled I have been by people saying the right things at the wrong time. Help me to have compassion...

Even as I think this through, I wonder whether it's too soon. I have done this before: walked with someone who was going through something very traumatic, and listened to her say horrible, ugly things... things that I had also thought and said... And I was near enough to remember and extend grace, but far enough away to have my wounds scarred over.

But I also know that God never wastes a hurt, and I feel like I have some responsibility here.

If nothing else, I need to keep my heart pure. I need to remember what it feels like to be in that place I don't want to remember. And I need to be able to love, even when it's difficult. Especially when it's difficult.

Writing again! Part II: This time it's different.

For more than ten years, I had a pretty steady writing gig. It didn't pay anything, but I loved it. I wrote short sketches for the various churches I attended across that decade. I'd come to it in a church that produced in-house-written dramas at least a couple of weekends a month. These weren't the "youth group Christian skits" I knew from growing up... You know the treacly, sappy ones where there's a very overt message with which you are beaten repeatedly over the head? Things like the lady who wants to take up her cross like Jesus and goes into a shop but thinks the actual cross is too cumbersome and keeps talking the salesperson down until she walks out with a cross necklace. Or the one with the girl Jesus is trying to follow around and hold in his arms, and she keeps yelling at him to leave her alone, which he won't, so she finally holds him in place by tacking his hands up in a crucified position? Yeah... ugh. No.

The philosophy at the first church that I attended was that the dramas were to open up a can of worms, and then it was the preacher's job to fix everything. Basically, we used drama or comedy or whatever storytelling mode was appropriate to ask a question in a very real, very raw way. Some people even hated that, but it's okay. Music doesn't touch everyone, but it touches a lot of people. I think that drama is the same way. It breaks down walls.

I had an incredible writing mentor in Las Vegas, and he helped me hone my craft so much. I would send him a script (he's a performer and would often be off on cruises or performing in Los Angeles) and wait in nervous excitement for him to write me back... Always encouraging, always gracious (but not to the point of exaggerating the merits of what I'd done), but also always quick to get to the business of, "You missed a huge opportunity for a joke here," etc. He helped me learn how to rabidly attack my writing, getting rid of excess without mourning my precious "babies." His guidance taught me how to relish constructive feedback without having any negative feelings or insecurities about it.

So I wrote. I wrote a lot. I tried to worm my way into whatever arts programs that churches had when I'd go, and if there wasn't one in place, I was always game to give it a go.

That all ended a the beginning of 2011. When the cracks in my marriage were revealed and the whole thing crumbled, I was relieved of my responsibilities so that I could focus on reconciliation of my relationship. What actually happened came as quite a shock to me...

I know, or I acquiesce to this in theory, that my identity is found in Christ alone. It is God's creation and love that gives me worth, and no one can take that away from me. Not the opinion of others, not my own poor choices, and certainly not what I do or don't do. But what I realized had happened, once this was removed as an outlet for me, is that at some point, I'd mentally shifted from being a child of the King to being that child of the King who writes stuff. When the "writing stuff" outlet was taken away, I found myself not understanding where I fit into things, and I did not "feel" as close of a relationship to God. I think that I was mistaking the momentum of output in an area I adored for an intimacy with God.

To be certain, I know that any ability I might possess to write comes from God. Like I mentioned in the last post, the story came to me, not from me, and I was overjoyed by the process. I was mostly grateful for the opportunity to write *for* something again. I'll write, anyway. I'll blog. I'll observe. I'll make you all sick of my words. It's already happening, right? But to have a goal, a reason, and to be able to share with other people... It's what I love.

And maybe I'm doing it for the love of writing from now on. Maybe God doesn't want me to confuse so personal a passion and service with a closeness to Him. All I know is that I was shaken to my foundations when I was pulled off of the short film we'd begun to work on, and it took me a long time to figure out where I fit in with God again. I had been so certain that using whatever talents I had in church was how God had planned to "redeem" my otherwise fairly useless liberal arts education, and maybe it was... for a time. I think maybe now, there is fulfillment to be found in writing wherever the opportunity arises, and in believing in earnest that all is sacred.

I'm okay with that.

Facebook... Fast? More Like a Purge

The week before last, something descended upon me on Friday afternoon. It had been several weeks in coming, and I can pinpoint when it started snowballing the fastest. By the end of the day Friday, it felt like I was ingesting poison. On purpose. And it was all coming off of my Facebook feed. It hit me: "What are you doing to yourself?" and... I inactivated my account.

It was only for three days, but during that time, I cooled off. I figured out how to reset my feed so that I don't see very much when I do log in, which is increasingly rare.

First of all, I want to say that I get that my own Facebook wall can be inconsistent: funny, horrifying, offensive, encouraging, gleeful, and depressing. That's kind of... well, me. And if that doesn't work for you, then you should block me, because I don't want anyone having the kind of soul-crushing anger that was darkening everything for me.

For my own sanity, might I offer some suggestions that one might want to consider before posting things on Facebook, or before transmitting any thoughts or information in a wide-ranging manner? Please?

1) Before you forward that inflammatory (or not) story, infographic, or link, make sure it's true. Barack Obama did not tell a bunch of students not to celebrate July 4. Bill O'Reilly did not criticize Obama's nostril-flares as racist. That was not a contemporary picture of Trayvon Martin; it was a rapper (besides, however you feel about that whole thing, the fact that someone is covered with tattoos, smokes pot, and has bought a gun does not necessarily mean he "deserved" to die at the time and place that he was shot... if you want to make an argument, argue facts of the situation, not circumstantial information).

A guideline here is that if what you're about to post doesn't have a date, or an exact location, or some specific names and is therefore impossible to verify, maybe don't share it. Also, if the only place you can find the story is on either conservative or liberal websites, it's probably not reliable. Especially not if the wording is the exact same everywhere you see it, so that it's obvious someone cut and pasted it the second they saw it and did no research at all.

Also, if your infographic has misspellings and grammar problems, how do you expect the rest of us to take it seriously?

2) If you find out that something you posted was in error, acknowledge the mistake, take it down, and apologize for the error. Seriously, folks, we're all grown-ups here. We all make mistakes. Admitting to those things is a huge step in, you know, being a decent human being. Just saying, "Oh, I found out this was not what I thought it was, but the idea is the same, so I'm leaving it up" shows the absolute worse kind of arrogance and willful ignorance. Besides, if you can't support your point of view with anything that falls within the realm of reality, you might want to reconsider your point of view. Or at least be gracious enough to allow others to have a different one without-- wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

3) Not everyone who believes differently than you do hates you and wants to destroy your way of life. It's entirely possible that you have a dear friend who loves you completely and who is very glad that you are on this planet, but who disagrees with you on a very important (to one or both of you) topic. Rarely are things this cut-and-dried. This goes part-and-parcel with its extension:

4) Not everyone who disagrees with you does so because they are ignorant or evil. Granted, there are some people who have baseless opinions... But to automatically ascribe cultural or parental brainwashing, lack of real-world experience, lack of humanity, nefarious intent, or just outright stupidity to the viewpoint of anyone who disagrees with the opinion you have reached shows a lack of confidence in your own conclusion. If you have a valid reason that you believe what you believe, what threat to you is it that someone else reached a different conclusion? I assume that most people who believe unlike myself have come to their world views based on their experiences, research, and careful thought, just the way that I have. 

If I believe in absolute truth, then there are some viewpoints that cannot coexist. But I'd never walk into one of those serious discussions leading with the condescending thought that "They just don't know any better" or, worse, "They are the antithesis of all that is good in the world." This does not help build bridges, even if you never say it out loud. Harboring this attitude comes through in your manner and it absolutely closes doors.

If you're not a Christian, you can skip to the final paragraph now. I'll put a bunch of stars so you'll know where to start. If you're a Christian, please read on because, seriously, you guys, we can do a lot better. We have to do a lot better.

5) The government of the United States of America is not a Christian institution, and it never has been. Before you try to argue with me, I have studied the Christian roots of the foundation and establishment of our country. I understand that many of the first settlers here came to pursue religious freedom. I get that many of the founding fathers were believers. I also understand that law in general owes a lot to the law of Moses.

I, as a Christian, believe that living life guided by the teachings of the Scripture is superior to any other set of guidelines to which one might ascribe. This is due to my firm belief that the author of life itself knows how we're best set up to operate, and that when I try to figure it out on my own, I make a mess out of things. This is a very personal decision, however. It is not our government's place to force anyone into living according to my Scriptures. Remember that whole "religious freedom" thing? Unless we're hypocrites, that applies to all religions (to the point of its not infringing upon others' rights, like underage/unwilling marriages, human sacrifice, animal cruelty, abuse under the guise of "spiritual leadership," etc.).

For a Christian, the place to have external encouragement to live by Jesus' teachings should be the church, not the government. Trust me, you don't want the government enforcing any religion, even yours. You probably don't agree on every point of your faith with your family members; what are the odds that a behemoth like the government is going to enforce the Scriptures in a way that is appropriate for you?

Regardless, appealing to the historical faith of our Founding Fathers does not mean that our country itself is supposed to be specifically Christian. This is not a theocracy. We are not Israel. We are not even Israel, Jr. God did not call the United States out to himself the way he called and covenanted with Abraham. That is not what's happening here. We say that the Lord has blessed America, but I think that the Lord has blessed us as individuals, and that as individuals, we should be active in our government and in our communities, but not in a bloc.

6) Where are you getting this "stand up for our rights" mentality? I don't understand it. We're all up at arms because "our" rights are being stomped on every day? Who told you to do that? Do you think it honors God to be pissed that the Target greeter doesn't specifically use the word "Christmas"? And to spread the animosity with a snarky post? How does that fall into line with peace-making? Do you think that showing up with signs or shirts with slogans of solidarity ever results in the actual life-change of the Gospel, which we have been assigned to carry forth?

Christianity is not a privileged class, rich with rights to be protected. It is voluntary slavery to the Lord, and to my fellow man, whom I am to love only second to my love for God. It is taking up one's cross every day. It is actually allowing my supposed rights to be violated if it would win one for Christ. It means praying for and loving and serving all, especially those I would tend not to like.

Every positive example we have in the New Testament of what it is to be a Christian is someone who loved others, served God, and endured poor treatment with dignity. No Biblical martyr died with the words, "This is an injustice!" on their lips. It was always a pointing to God. Jesus did not encourage the zealots who would overthrow Rome. He was too busy being focused on loving people the way that God loved them, and telling them as much about his Father as he could while he was alive.

Jesus also begged forgiveness for those who saw to his death. Could any one of us do that? How about show up with water to hand out at a flamboyant gay pride demonstration? Or volunteering to tutor a prison inmate? Or praying for that guy at work who asked your HR supervisor to tell you to take down your religious Easter decorations? Maybe inviting him out to coffee, just to hang out for a while?

We are supposed to love our "enemies" and pray for those who persecute us. If we spend more time with these people, loving them and praying for them, I think it will be impossible to hate them. I think we will learn that they aren't actually our enemies. No person is ever the enemy.

7) Salt and light are both pretty quiet. Yes, we are called to be in the culture, preserving and enhancing it. Do you know how salt works? By getting into food and being salt. It doesn't stay in the spoon and yell at food to be saltier. It does its thing, and what needs to happen happens. But it has to be in there.

Same kind of thing with light. Light always overpowers darkness. You shine a flashlight into a darkened room, and the beam penetrates the darkness. Darkness doesn't have that power (unless it's created by a black hole, which the Bible mentions not so much). Light wins. So if a light is working, it will change the face of the landscape. It doesn't need to make petulant pleas for everything to stop being so stinking dark.

I get it: there is a place for accountability and encouragement toward morality. Might I suggest that that place is in church, in the context of a community of believers, and in interpersonal relationships? Might I suggest that that place is *not* your Facebook wall? You're not responsible for the public-at-large's ethical and moral behavior. If you ever want to be able to have a rational, heart-felt conversation with anyone who feels differently than you do about a given moral issue, I recommend not posting anything that might alienate that person. Which leads us to...

8) In a battle between your First Amendment rights and adhering to the Scriptures, God's Word always wins. You might be tempted to say, "Well, *that side* gets their say; I should get mine, too." Really? You want to match rights with someone whose exercise of that same right irritates you? Let's try this on for size: "I have made myself a slave to all, that I might win the more. And to the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win Jews; to those who are under the Law, as under the Law, though not being myself under the Law, that I might win those who are under the Law; to those who are without law, as without law, though not being without the law of God but under the law of Christ, that I might win those who are without law. To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak; I have become all things to all men, that I may by all means save some. And I do all things for the sake of the gospel, that I may become a fellow partaker of it."

Paul wasn't talking about being manipulative. He just meant that he was able to chill out and fit in and not offend people. The Gospel can be offensive enough. We don't need to make it worse."If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

There are some things that are definitely worth fighting for. But real change doesn't happen from your posting vitriolic and argumentative things on your Facebook wall. If you believe in something, *do* something; bullhorns rarely change minds, and your Facebook feed is a digital bullhorn.

9) Do not call the President "stupid." I'm not picking on any one political leaning here; I've heard this word hurled at almost every President we've had since I was aware of what the office is. Never mind the fact that, agree with the guy (and maybe lady, in the future) or not, I personally believe that a person has to possess certain baseline of cleverness or keenness or intelligence to get that far in the political world.

Again, you're free to express opinions against the policies a President supports, or even personal views that he (or she) holds. I think it helps your case in a big way if you can avoid emotional histrionics and name-calling and stick with facts, reason, logic, and research. This holds true for anyone, regardless of faith.

However, for a Christian, calling someone "stupid" like this is especially egregious. "[A]nyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell." Okay, so you say, "This is talking about other disciples, and I don't buy that *fill in the blank* is a Christian." Then there's this: "Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment." There is a place for civil disobedience, for being opposed to policy, etc. But there is no excuse to disrespect our President. I see this most often happening by my elders, and it embarrasses me.

There are a lot of youngsters on Facebook, and their seeing people who should be able to conduct themselves as adults condescending to "poopyhead" is permission for them to be disrespectful. There's no excuse to be disrespectful in behavior toward anyone else, even if we privately do not respect them. Our behavior is our choice, and I don't believe that we, as Christians, have any excuse to stoop to ugliness.

10) The devil is not responsible for every less-than-ideal thing that happens. Sometimes, a storm is just a storm, a traffic jam is just a traffic jam, and frustration is just a part of every day life. Satan is not attacking you all of the time. He is not omnipresent. He is not omnipotent. You might just be having a random bad day. It happens. Besides, what you call "bad" might be good; you don't see the big picture. Please stop ascribing more power to the devil than he has.

******************************

Facebook should be fun. It's fun for me; I love posting weird and funny things. I adore keeping up with my friends. I love to see your summer vacations, your favorite recipes, thought-provoking articles you've read, what's going on with your kids, things that break your heart. I love all of that.
What I can not tolerate are lies, ugliness, lazy arguments, bigotry, sweeping assumptions, and the like.
I am responsible for my own reactions, for my own responses. And what I've learned in the past few weeks is that I am apparently not mature enough yet always to let these things slide off of me. Maybe I expect better from my friends. Maybe I see something in these posts that reminds me of myself and that I find unbearably repulsive. Whatever it is, until I can manage my response more maturely, I'm having to block a lot of stuff from my feed.
Please, if I post things that cause this kind of recoiling in you, let me know. Hold me accountable! I don't shy away from controversy, but I would hope that anything I would share might be controversial in nature, but respectfully presented. And if not, it needs to come down.