Crazy in the Night

Here's something I shared in my "online journal" (because "blog" wasn't a word in wide use at the time) on November 4, 2001: -- Oh, and please join me in remembering that this means D was a whopping 2 DAYS old at the time -- "There are probably all sorts of psychological ramifications of this, but Daphne slept in the bed with us for most of the night last night (she cried from 10:05 until 11:00 and I figured that was enough of that; we tried again at 2:00 and she cried until 2:30)... she does so well when she knows someone is close by."

To reiterate: I had been brainwashed to believe that sleeping in bed WITH DESIGNATED CARE-GIVERS was something that would negatively impact my TWO DAY OLD INFANT. Sigh. 

Anyhoo, suffice it to say that I am not a natural-born co-sleeper. If it wasn't "How will they ever individuate?!" then it was "I'm too light a sleeper; I'd wake up at every roll-over" ad infinitum.

However, Mal simply refused to sleep if someone (typically me) weren't touching him bodily for months and months. 

Four and a half years later, here we are. I'm still sleeping in the same room he's in.

Contrast this with when D was 9, and Ken and I were in full divorce swing but still living in the same house. I was sleeping on the pull-out sofa sleeper, and D wanted to sleep in the living room with me. I refused. I just thought it was "weird" for parents to sleep with their kids.

(And, yes, there are MANY things I'd change about my initial foray into parenting, as we've covered many times.)

There are so many times Mal wakes up in the night needs reassurance. I'm sure D did, too, but since there was no one in the room... we just didn't know. And, yeah, most kids get over it and go back to sleep. I remember being TERRIFIED some nights, when I was a child. Whether it was a storm or I was awakened because I needed to use the restroom or I had a scary thought I just couldn't shake, I'd be absolutely petrified, but would try to cover every inch of myself (blanket protection, you know) and close my eyes. I'd will myself to fall back to sleep and not pee the bed because there was no way I was going to risk running across the bedroom floor... who knows what might shoot out from under the bed?

I knew, logically, that I wasn't in actual danger. I also knew that calling for "help" was ridiculous because of that. But I am certain I could have experienced much less anxiety and a quicker return to sleep if I'd had a reassuring hand on my back for a few moments.

Last night, Mal woke up and said, "You have to save me!" I was right there, reaching for him and assuring him, "I got you. I'm right here." He said, "I'm in bed. You didn't have to save me! I thought I was up on the counter bar, really high." Then, "Can I touch your belly?" And he went back to sleep.

We tried to find a transitional object for Mal when he was about two years old and I was tired of nursing (joke's on me with that one, I suppose). He liked stuffed animal and blankets fine, but none of them were particularly comforting to him. What was? My belly. 

For some reason, if he can rub my belly for a minute or two, it helps him calm down. You know how Al Bundy on "Married with Children" would sit and watch TV with his hand in his waistband? That's what Mal does with me. It helps him maintain contact with my skin without having to bear his own hand's weight. That way he can fall asleep, and I can just place his hand on his bed when he's out.

Is this weird? Maybe. But it's weird AND sweet.

I AM a light sleeper, but I find that I don't actually wake up for every breath and every movement. I DO wake up quickly when he actually needs something.

Actually, I do that for D, too. I can go from REM to catching a spider on the bathroom ceiling in about 45 seconds.

Mal's awake now, and he remembers waking up thinking he needed "saving." He said he "glitched" from the cabinet bar and ended up back in bed. Cute stuff. 

Our day started, I leave you with this: One of my favorites from my own childhood.

Blogging is Hard

In case you're wondering: Yes, we're still on the "go to bed at 12:30 AM, wake up after 10 AM" schedule. Which sounds kind of perfect, in terms of sleeping nine hours, but... It makes it difficult for James and me to spend time together, since he has to be in bed in time to get up early enough to miss traffic into his newish job; and it makes blogging a chore because I tend to actually wind down and start heading to sleep before Mal (waking up to tell him it's late enough and I'm turning off the lights). Then in the morning, there is waking up to do, and I try to get my chores done. Then that's just about the time Mal wakes up. Oh, and I watch TV. In fact, I just opened up my tablet, determined to blog, when I saw a video I'd started watching while I made dinner last night, but then got waylaid. I was about to press "play," but knew that would mean zero blogs today. :) So here we are.

Mal watching TV at the fun Disney Jr. play area at Barton Creek Square

First of all, an observation: The other day, it was a little chilly. In the middle of the day, I realized that what I was wearing -- leggings, a long-sleeved under shirt, and a man's button-up that fits kind of like a dress -- was pretty much the exact "outfit" I have on in a picture my mom took of my sister and me coming into my apartment from the store when I was in college.

For most of my life, I've skirted the edges of poverty, typically in the lower middle class. For that same time, I've also thought that it would be nice to have enough money that I could dress a little "better." Well, here we are with enough so-called "disposable" income that I could upgrade my wardrobe if I wanted to. And I DO purchase clothing that is more comfortable and better-made than I used to. But apparently having a little bit of cash in your pocket does not give you style, and so I'm pretty much always going to look like an out-of-touch stay-home cheapskate mom... because I am.

Similarly, we realized some caulking was coming up onto our dishes from INSIDE the dishwasher. At first, I thought I was pulling out some nasty stringy cheese, but realized, no... it was literally caulk. A brief internet research junket showed that it's dangerous to use any kind of sealant inside a dishwasher if it isn't aquarium sealant and therefore safe for animals (like humans). This was obviously the stuff you pipe around your bathtub.

Since the dishwasher was original to the house, built in 2007, we decided to get a new dishwasher. The first year we lived here, when we had the house warranty, we had someone come out about 4 times for various problems, and it's vibrated loudly through two cycles ever since then, but mostly worked.

We'll probably have to replace our refrigerator soon, too, and I've been eyeing these lovely candy apple red appliances. James did some research, but after he bought some Black Friday electronics, turned the dishwasher selection over to me. I found a couple of beautiful red ones. Both Smeg and Big Chill make them. And the morning I sat down to order, I ended up buying a Cyber Monday deal on a slate one (like the other appliances we have) from The Home Depot because I couldn't justify doubling the cost of a dishwasher just for it to be red. So that's how my brain works.

Mal seems to have even MORE energy than ever right now. We're going on a little trip next week, just the two of us, and I'm looking forward to getting and keeping him out for a while. He is loving being out. Wednesday, we went to south Austin to celebrate the Brownie girls' birthdays. Then we went to the mall because he loves Barton's play area (pictured above) but I can't justify driving down there just to visit the mall. After that, and being stuck in rush hour 360 traffic for 45 minutes, he wanted to play at Little Land. We closed that place down, then went to the McD's play area where he played with other kids for an hour and a half.

Yesterday, we met one of his friends at Chick-fil-A, then when they had to leave, we went to McD's AGAIN and he played there for a couple of hours.

Today, he's wanting to go to IKEA, where I can get 1.5 hours of child care for free! So it sounds great to me!

I was not premature in celebrating the end of "deedees." It's been a month since that post, and we're definitely done. The week after I wrote it was difficult. He remembered it, and wanted to go back. I didn't want to actively stop, but since we had, it was easier to say, "I'm sorry; it's too late." He cried himself pretty much to sleep a couple of nights. But he was fine. Yesterday, he was upset about a lot of things and said, for the first time in probably three weeks: "I'm not special anymore because I don't have deedees!" He has no idea how "special" nursing for four years is!

I've mentioned becoming a much more laid-back parent over the years. It might appear like "permissive parenting," but it's actually intentional and often difficult; I'm not just sitting back and letting my kid do whatever he wants because I'm lazy (which I can be, but that's not my overall parenting strategy). It's more about my trying to have empathy with where my kid is, and not allowing my pride or perceived authority be offended because how we interact doesn't look the way an authoritarian model looks. But it's so bizarre and sweet at times.

Yesterday, Malcolm was very frustrated because he had already eaten one of the Trader Joe's chocolate ornaments off of our tree. I don't control what he eats in general, but since the ornaments are for the whole family and not just him, I'm limiting him to one per day. He was furious, and kept saying that he was going to take another. I told him he was not going to do that. He yelled, "I am so angry with you right now!" I told him I was sorry he was mad, and I walked past him to see if he'd let me pick him up. He did.

I sat on the couch, and he nuzzled into my neck, crying and saying, "I'm just so mad at you!" while I said, "I'm so so sorry you are angry" and rocked with him. He eventually calmed down, and it seems so healthy to me to be able both to be mad at someone AND to receive comfort from them. 

Later, we reached a compromise of sorts in which I let him finish off his advent calendar, because that WAS his, and while I sliced onions for dinner, he ran over to show me his "ultra rare" finds, like a chocolate wreath or stockings or Santa. He kept saying, "I love doing this! I can't stop!" He enjoyed himself so much, and the calendar was for his enjoyment, so I'm glad he was able to have at it. We have a wooden advent calendar we can still use daily. It's not quite as tempting.

Oh, Mal wasn't as thrilled when he said he wanted another calendar and I told him Trader Joe's is out of them. I bought them in the middle of November because they're $1 and I know how they fly off the shelves. Ehh, life lesson, I suppose.

Here's a picture my dad took of Mal on the trampoline at the Brownies'.

We got our 23 and Me results back, and James has a much more broad base of ancestry than I do. We'll go into some of the results later, but it was a lot of fun to do. One thing it does if you want it to is it finds people who are likely your family. For both of us, it founds cousins we already know. So that was pretty cool.

We have a special project coming up that is part D's Christmas present, part a thing for the whole family. We're all looking forward to it, and I can't wait to share that, either!

Time to watch that video (hopefully) before Mal wakes up! Have a great weekend!

Random Observations

1) We missed quite the drama while we were on our little trip to Dallas to the State Fair of Texas! "Our" lake filled up so fast, beginning on the day we left, that it is now 146% full, ergo flooded. It has started abating this morning, and I'm sure the home- and business-owners are eager to get to cleanup. The lake has been more than 20 feet below full for the entire summer. It crested at 23 feet above full, most of it  in about three days. To put it into perspective, an NPR headline read that Lake Travis had taken on more water in one week than the city of Austin uses in FOUR years. Further, a gentleman on NextDoor said that, not accounting for the water lost via Mansfield Dam (which was releasing 11 millionish gallons of water PER MINUTE last night), the lake had taken on a gross of 253,433,873,760 gallons of water last week (just based on levels retained in the lake).

2) We go to the fair for a couple of main reasons: a) fair food, b) Little Hands on the Farm and the animals, and c) the butter sculpture. None of these disappointed, though a slight change in LHotF made it less kid-friendly, as far as I'm concerned. First, the food:

A cotton candy taco. The cotton candy was marshmallow-flavored. Waffle cone shell, plus marshmallow drizzle and crumbled cookies, with two Pocky-stick-kind of things

Fried Hill Country: mozzarella with basil, green tomato slices, battered and fried.
Field greens below, Texas honey/balsamic vinegar on top.

Fried shepherds pie with gravy, and fried green beans.

These were hearty and delicious, especially on the chilly, rainy day. But I enjoyed the beans even more.

Fried s'more. Pretty self-explanatory.

But it's not just the million dollars you spend on fair food that's awesome. The State Fair of Texas has a Go Texan! pavilion with samples. Among them are:

"I can keep this?!"

Toffee!

Ice cream float with choice of root beer or Dr. Pepper. Hmm, Texans are weird. #teamrootbeer

There was also beef jerky and cheese, local honey, and coated nuts, among others. Man, I love "free" food.

Okay, yes, you pay an admission to get into the fair, and that includes all of the shows and exhibitions. But there is never any reason to pay full price. During the week, there are daily discounts (don't go on the weekends; just don't). We chose the day to support the North Texas Food Bank. We each took 4 cans of food, and got in for $4 each (as opposed to $16). Seniors are free on Thursdays. There are some food specials on Thursday, too, but you're limited to the offers, and we like to select our treats.

This was Mal's first year to do Little Hands, and he enjoyed it.

In the past, you'd get paid at the farmer's market and immediately trade your "money" for something like a granola bar or packet of crackers. This time, it was a coupon for free ice cream that was outside of the building and around the corner, plus Mal didn't want ice cream, so there was no way to get his treat and save it for later.

They've moved the farm indoors, along with putting the animals in the same building. I thought the change was a positive one, overall.

That baby, though!

Ce-boooooooooo!

We'd picked a hotel that was close to a Dart light rail stop in Irving, so we were able to take public transportation down for cheaper than it would have cost to park. So it was a great little trip to take on a budget.

Oh, and butter.

I've never noticed it before, but the sculpture had a few blooms of mold on it. I think today is the last day of the fair, anyway, so it'll all probably get fed to pigs or something now. I just Googled it. I didn't find it, but in Ohio, it gets recycled into things from tires to soap. Also, I learned that a vegan is the sculptor for Texas, and has been for several years. Interesting.

3) I think my son is on a 25-hour schedule. Every day, he goes to sleep a bit later. Last night/this morning it was 1 AM. I DON'T LOVE IT.

4) We have tried A LOT of the meal prep delivery services, and after the initial welcome discount, I cancel because it's too expensive. Most are around $10 per serving, and, I'm sorry, I'll just go eat at a restaurant if I want to spend that kind of money. We've been doing Every Plate for a few weeks now, though, and really enjoy it. It's only $5 per serving, which is closer to what I spend on groceries, especially if you account for the unfortunate food waste which makes me wish we had animals or a compost heap.

If you try it, and you should because you can save $20 off of the first couple of deliveries, which means the cost is more like $3.50 per serving, just know that their average 10 minute prep time is only accurate if you have a cooking companion or if you have expert-level knife skills and a really good set of cutlery. I cook full meals at home 4-5 times per week, and it takes me about 25 minutes to slice and dice the produce. The finished product is awesome, though, and I like that I didn't even have to do active ordering and arrange for delivery. Also, it's refrigerated, so you don't have to be home. Oh, also, they do charge something like $7.99 shipping, whereas other companies ship for "free," but the cost per serving is still a LOT lower with Every Plate.

***I have other random thoughts that I'll share soon, but I'm going to get ready for church and just pull Mal into the car and go, because we need a bedtime closer to 10 than 1, so it's time to start the pain of waking that kid up earlier!

Daddy's Gone, Day 3

Hey-o!

The downside of Mal falling asleep so early last night is that he woke up for the first time at about 11:30 PM, but was easy to get back to sleep.

When he woke up at 3:30, I realized that he'd been lying funny and managed to pee out of his nighttime diaper, even though it wasn't super soaked. So at 3:42, I was stripping a bed to wash the linens. Those waterproof zip-up bed covers have saved our mattresses' proverbial butts so many times! And since there are two twin beds in there, Mal just moved to the trundle where I usually sleep and I ended up on the naked mattress. I did not pee in it. Not even a little bit.

While I was up and trying to get this emergency laundry session started and also grabbing a quick drink, my other child called out to me with an important wee-hours query: Did we have any extra keychains? Having a nocturnal teenager is such a hoot.

I miss my husband, truly I do. But at about this time this morning, I pictured him sleeping alone in the dark and silence of a hotel room. I realized that since we've been together, he's gotten more than ONE THOUSAND FULL NIGHTS' SLEEP in excess of what I've gotten. It's a very good thing for him that I don't keep track of these sorts of statistics. Also, that I love him very much.

It is 5 PM and Mal's eyes already look ready for bed. I have to keep him awake! I'll do this by continuing to ignore him for a few moments.

Today, we got out to go to the store for soda this morning, then one of Mal's friends came over to play a couple of hours this afternoon. Although my plan was to lounge in PJs and no makeup while James was gone, I've ended up going somewhere every day, and have done mom makeup and "I'm kind of trying" clothes.

UPDATE: It's 9:50 and he's still awake. Please send help.

Dratted Energy

This kid. It's 10 PM, and we're probably looking at another hour before he's ready to lie down, and another half hour after that before he's nursed to sleep. Going to bed at 11:15ish is bad enough, but after this week, it'll spring forward until after midnight. I get that we stay home, so the shift shouldn't matter. But James works. He is having to go to sleep before Mal does, and he leaves the house before Mal wakes up, and often before I'm out of bed. Because I end up staying awake until 1 or so just to wind down.

And we *try* to wear him out. Tonight at sundown, I took him to the lake and he did this stuff.

But he's still running back and forth through the house. He's hurt himself once, which resulted in my throwing out the stool off of which he'd pulled the no-skid stickers about a year ago, and I'm justifiably concerned that there is the potential for further injury before bedtime happens.

In other news, Mal has honed in on something I'm sure I had no awareness of when I was three: personal musical themes. The first one he glommed on to, a long time ago, was Darth Vader (I know; it's the Imperial March, but it might as well be called "Darth Vader's Song"). But then, he focused on Finn McMissle's theme in Cars 2 (it's super James Bond-y).

Recently, he asked me what Mater's song was. I told him I didn't think Mater had a song, but the more I thought about it, I realized that whenever he's doing something particularly characteristic, there's a twangy banjo thing happening: "cow"-tipping, towing in a guy at high speed, showing off his backwards driving skills, etc.

And if Mal's playing Cars 2, racing a couple of cars, and I sing, "Run the race!" he'll correct me with, "No, that's from Cars 3."

Today, he hit the jackpot. James and Mal went to Little Land to play (actively, see above) but they were closing early for a birthday party, so instead, they went next door to a game shop. They came home with something I thought was either a microwave or a kegerator for James's office, but when he brought it in and set it down, I saw that it was this:

Yes, that is a store display for two out-of-production Lego sets. It has a bunch of circuitry at the bottom, and lights across the top. Since we don't really have anywhere to put it, we've pulled everything out. The pieces are glued together, so we can't take them apart (which is a blessing, honestly), but Mal has had fun playing with those this afternoon.

Incidentally, the Minifigs it came with would cost more than double what James paid for the whole thing, which was $25!

It's 10:35 and James just went to bed. Mal is still going strong.

One day last week, I was just over how tired and accident-prone and fussy he gets, and having watched the night before as he was acknowledging being tired, but his body would not wind down, I gave him .5 mg of melatonin. That worked; he was asleep within about 15 minutes. But his heart was beating so fast. Tachycardia is a potential side effect of melatonin, and since Mal seems prone to it, I cannot justify having him take it, even though I know his body is wanting to go to sleep and having issues.

The following night, though, Mal was outside several hours during the day. First, we went to the park with friends after story time at the library, then played out in the back yard in the afternoon. I don't know if it was a hold-over from the supplement, or having gotten so much sunlight, or a combination of both, but he was out cold at 9 o'clock, which is the earliest he's gone to sleep in months.

If anyone has any advice (other than "just make him go to bed and stay there," because that won't help the problem with his not physically being able to wind down), I'd love to hear what worked for your kids!

The child, and how things work around here

We're in the process of updating Mal's room. It's fun, but it's been a mess most of this week, and we won't get everything in until Tuesday, so I just have to deal with the nebulous stuff and try not to look at it too much.

If last night was any indication, though, instead of springing (ha!) for two twin mattresses, I could have just purchased one. Mal was intent on sleeping RIGHT beside me all night, and since I didn't want him lying on the split between the mattresses, I moved over so he could snuggle with his whole body on the mattress. Then after he was snoring, I'd move to the other mattress... only to repeat this the next time he woke up.

Mal slept through the night a week ago Monday, but has been waking even more frequently than typical ever since then. Like 20 times a night. Every night. For almost two weeks. He's also been crying for me before I'm ready to go to bed, and that had stopped for a couple of months, at least.

I'm sure it's a growth spurt or some developmental thing, but wouldn't it be ironic if the developmental stride of sleeping through the night actually disrupted his sleep? My brain just exploded.

So here's a cute picture of Mal.

For this picture, I thought it'd be cute if Mal held his fist up like he'd caught the front end of the airplane. He tried, but the whole time his hand was up, he was dancing around. I said, "Just be still while I count to five!" And he couldn't. So I was squatting, trying to account for his movement by changing my position, and this is the closest we could get.

Speaking of that, today we went to the Mabry Texas Military Museum. It was the first time I'd been in a while, and for some reason, it struck me as horribly maudlin. Everything there, including the ambulance and chuck truck, was designed for the enterprise of the widespread killing of people and its associated needs. I mean, I get that war is sometimes necessary? Especially defense. But today it weighed on me in a way it hasn't before.

Interestingly, the display to which Mal seemed most drawn (inside; outside, he was obsessed with the Chinese-style exercise station) was the medic. He looked at it for a long time, then after we moved on, he asked to go back.

Mal is revealing himself to be a pretty sensitive soul (not always, but in many situations). This week, he's had a hard time getting rid of old stuff for his room update, even as he's been excited about the new developments and arrivals.

I'd had my eye on the Garanimals website because they'd listed their summer line, but they weren't on sale. Then they were. I must have missed it by 36 hours, but most of the 5t tank tops and many of the shorts were already sold out! Anyway, I ordered his "summer wardrobe" for under $75, and it's on its way. I was cleaning out the stuff from last summer to give to Foster Kindness, and when he saw the bags of old clothes, Mal just lost it. "No! I want the too big clothes!" (Confusion, but in his defense, he was pretty distraught.)

He actually reached in one of the bags and pulled out two shirts, running into his room and hiding them. "I want the too big clothes! They're mine!" I finally calmed him down by distracting him when it was time to go to the Lego Lab at the library. But on the way home, he asked, "Did someone get my clothes?" I told him no; they're in the trunk. Today, he couldn't care less. He'll be super excited about the new ones. But he's attached to every. single. thing.

As we were leaving Lego Lab yesterday, Mal wanted to see the police station, so we walked down that road. He noticed that the Christmas wreath was still up and said, "It's still Christmas for the police! Do the police get Christmas presents?" "They do." "Do they get toys?" "Well, they might not get toys, but they probably get something they like. What do you think a police officer would like?" "To TRAP people!" Heh. Um, what? He clarified by saying, "With handcuffs." Oookay.

Earlier this week. Mal said he wanted to take a gymnastics class. I've been researching and was all ready to make a phone call to the best, for us, gym this afternoon when I asked him again, "You're ready to take gymnastics?" Emphatic NO!

I do think I'm going to try to get him into swim lessons this summer. I believe D started at this age, and by 8 was an excellent swimmer. It helps me be less nervous at the pool, knowing they can hold their own for a hot minute.

On a totally unrelated note, I need the 1099s from eTrade to get here so I can see how much money we're getting back from the IRS. Right now, it looks like a lot, but we had to sell some stock when James was not working, so we have "realized gains" to contend with. The suspense is killing me.

James seems to have enjoyed his first week of work. It's still a lot of red tape and IT stuff, but he likes the people and thinks the job will be a good one. Yay!

Have a great weekend!

Sleep Records

Hey! It's our first blog of the new year. Happy 2018, internets!

Today, we're going to take a brief look at Mal's sleeping habits, which I chronicled this week just for (morbid) curiosity's sake.

Carol, spending a rare moment with Mal, whom she typically avoids with a passion.

TUESDAY, 1/2/18: Sleep time 9:30 PM. 11 wakings; 2 he fell back to sleep on his own and 9 required my intervention.
WEDNESDAY, 1/3/18: 10:00 PM. 9 wakings, all of which required my input. 4 and 6 took a LONG time, both sides, etc.
THURSDAY, 1/4/18: 8:30 PM. 6ish; 3 and 6 involved mid-nursing dozing and were pretty drawn out.
FRIDAY, 1/5/18: 7:15 PM, in the car. 10 wake-ups, plus one as we were coming in from the car. 1st wake-up of the night in bed, he fell back to sleep on his own.
SATURDAY, 1/6/18: 9:45 PM. 6 wakings; 1 he fell asleep on his own.
SUNDAY, 1/7/18: 9:00 PM. 6ish times.
MONDAY, 1/8/18: 8:40 PM. 7ish times.

The reason I say "ish" is because of two things: 1) Sometimes he'll wake up, nurse, doze off, and within a few moments awake again asking for more "deedees" before I've fallen back to sleep. I don't know whether to count that as 2 wake-ups or 1. 2) If it's starting to get light out, and it's late enough that if he didn't go back to sleep, we could get up, anyway, I usually just stop counting. I consider it more of his "wake-up" routine than his over night routine.

So, basically, I was awakened about 55 times during the past week. Make you feel better about your life?

On the up side, Mal is sometimes extremely funny when he wakes up (or sleep talks, or whatever he's doing). Here are some things he's said in the middle of the night:

"Mommy, oh good. We're safe now."
"Mommy, where are you?" "Right here." "No, Daddy, I want Mommy."
"I saw Chewbacca, but he said, 'I am Mal,' not 'I am Chewbacca.'"
"Were you swimming at Walmart just now?"
"Mommy, deedees." "No, we are going to wait a while." "Mommmy, deedees!" "Mal, we're going to wait just a few minutes." "Mommy! Soda! NOW!" (We had some and I let him have it! He drank like he was hiking in the desert, too.)

Also, he's started basically yelling when he wakes up and needs my attention. I have to remind him that I'm right there and there's no need to speak as though we're across a busy basketball arena from one another.

James asked if I felt better worse now that I've done this, because if I hadn't, I would have said he averages 4-6 wake-ups a night, and it's obviously higher than that. I told him neither, but I'm glad to have a baseline and will journal it again in six months to see if there's any improvement.

The other day, I was on the phone with my friend, Adrienne, and trying to say the word "reciprocity." I could not land on it, but she knew what I meant and pronounced it for me... and it still took me three tries to say it correctly! It is times like these when I feel like I'm having a mini-stroke and just have to remind myself of the reality of this sleep chronicle. I'm sure I'll regain my vocabulary and sense at some point in the future. Right?

Mini-Update

Last night, I was writing my previous blog post out on the porch, enjoying the sunset and sounds of Texas summer. I'd invited Mal to come out with me, but he was watching videos in the floor of our bedroom.

Anyway, at a little bit after 9, Mal opened the back door and said, annoyed, "Mommy! I'm TIRED!" I asked him if he wanted me to help him go to bed, and he said yes.

We came in, and, of course, nursed for a few minutes, then he said, "I want to go outside now." I have to admit, part of me was like, "What? I thought it was bedtime!" but I went back out with him, and at that point it was pretty much dark. We looked at stars, he looked for fireflies (I guess it's too late for them now), and he desperately wanted to see a shooting star.

We started hearing a very high-pitched whinny, which sounded kind of like a cartoon version of a little pony. Maybe it was a baby fox? Or a bird? Anyway, Mal decided it was a horse, and it kind of freaked him out. He wanted to come in before the horse got us.

I actually had him sit in my lap outside a few more moments, explaining that horses don't really attack humans (but you don't want to walk around the back of one!), and that whatever it was was probably just crying for its mama.

When we did come in, he decided it was a baby horse missing its mama, who had gone to get dinner at McDonald's.

And he was asleep within 10 minutes of that.

It's not always that simple or easy, but it's a lot better than two hours of insisting "you don't have to go to sleep, but you have to stay in bed!"

I understand it's different for kids who have to be somewhere the next morning; no judgement here. Mostly just thought it was a cute interaction I wanted to remember. :)

And this is how he went to sleep Saturday night: we were driving to watch the sunset. We missed it. :)
This is the only thing that works besides "deedees."

Drying Out

It would seem that I am no longer in the milk-producing game. While I've been ready to wean for some time now (and maybe my body is responding to that?), my child is NOT ready to wean.

During the day, it looks like this: He asks for "deedees," latches on, gets nothing so asks, "other side," latches on, gets nothing, and then goes about his business. We have several of these check-ins during the day, less when we're busy. So that's not too bad.

What's pretty bad is nighttime. See, my son still does not have the ability to self-calm or to "just" go to sleep. Without nursing or riding in the car, he's just awake. And now that there's no milk, bedtime is taking between two and four hours per night! Not because I want to "put him down" at a certain time; we let him decide when he's sleepy.

And here's how it played out tonight: At about 6:30, Mal wanted to lie down and have "deedees." He was exhausted. If I'd had milk, he would have nursed to sleep. Since I don't, he sucked on one side, eyes rolling back, lids drooping, then popped off and said, "Other side." So we switched. Since he wasn't getting anything there, he hopped up and decided we needed to take the dog for a walk.

We did. We put on jackets, got the dog leash, went for a fairly nice walk... except I left HIS jacket on the porch. Since he had on long johns, he didn't really need it (I was wearing a short-sleeved top and capris so did), but once he realized we didn't have it, he started screaming and crying that he needed his jacket. I told him we could come back home, but he didn't want to turn around. He cried that he wanted to go "that way" AND have his jacket. I offered him mine. He cried more. "Mal's jacket!"

It took us a good five minutes for him to realize that going the way we were going and his having a jacket were mutually exclusive. We ended up walking some more, and about a quarter mile from the house, he decided to get out and push his own stroller. (I'm not going to lie: I was a little disappointed that the walk didn't lull him closer to sleep. He was a hot mess.)

When we got home, he wanted to go into the back yard. He was pretending that his stroller was a lawn mower, but he wanted me to get the real mower out. I told him I wasn't going to do that because it is dangerous, and he sobbed hysterically. Then eventually, he got distracted and went on the swing. Then he wanted to slide. He wanted me to go up to the slide, also, which I did... then he wanted me to slide down, and I told him I would, but only once because I was getting tired. 

He demanded I go back up and slide again, and because I was tired of the crying, I told him I would one more time. When I got back up, he FLIPPED OUT. I couldn't figure out what it was for a while, then I realized that it was because I went up the ladder instead of what he calls the "step stool." I said I'd slide down and come back up the step stool, but he indicated, still with hot tears and snot, that I could NOT SLIDE because I'd come up the wrong way. So I started to climb back down, and he said, "NO, MOMMY! DON'T!" I guess he wanted me to magic back to the ground and climb up the right side.

He cried when I wouldn't turn on the hose (because he was already dressed for bed, and I was too tired to let him get soaked at 8 PM and then change his clothes AGAIN, plus it was 60 degrees). He cried when I tried to fold up the stroller to put it away. He wanted to play "games" so got the not-Frisbee... which we've had for months and it's been sitting in the sun, so the second time I threw it and it happened to land on its side, it shattered. Guess what happened? Yeah. More screaming and sobbing.

Mal talked his dad into taping the disc with duct tape. I suggested to Mal that we lie down. He did, and, again, would have gone to sleep if I'd had enough milk to keep him still for two minutes. As I didn't, he hopped up and plugged in his lights. He got some blocks and said he wanted to build a tunnel. He wanted me to build, too, but I was done. It had been two hours of on-and-off hysterics, and I just wanted to hold him so he could calm down. I knew whatever I did with the blocks would just upset him at some point, anyway.

Finally, after getting very mad at me, then lying down and demanding "deedees" then rejecting the first side, then very angrily rejecting the second side and demanding the first one again, he managed to wear himself out.

I'm at a loss.

All of the stuff people tell you to do with the nighttime routine and the lighting and whatnot... None of that works for him. He isn't a "lie down and unwind" kind of person, and since I'm unwilling to physically restrain him, I don't know how to save him from himself in these situations.

Oh, a few weeks ago, I made lactation cookies and those things were delicious but did NOT work. In fact, everyone in my household ate bunches of them, and literally no one is producing milk.

He's such a busy guy. So full of energy. I need some serious help figuring out how to help him wind down. I hate having him weepy (understatement) and on the verge of injury and/or breakdown the last couple of hours he's awake. I wouldn't care if he stayed up until 10 (until recently, he did; when he was still napping), as long as he was in a chill-to-happy mood.

But his distress eventually wears through my energy, and I'm emotionally too drained to deal well with helping him. Because this his happening now every day, and it's been almost a week and I can't imagine what I'm going to be like three weeks from now.

On the up side, this morning, Mal walked into the kitchen and saw me drinking out of a mug. He said, "Mommy like copy (coffee)?" I said, "Actually, I'm drinking milk. Want some?" So I gave him a drink. He said, "Yummmmmy!" So I poured him half a cup, which he drank and then requested more. I gave him another cup, which he drank and then requested MORE. I poured him another cup, but he didn't touch it so it's in the fridge for tomorrow.

I'm thinking that tomorrow I might try to warm the milk up, maybe add a little vanilla, and see if he'll take that at bedtime.

Wish me luck, people. And hit me up with any ideas you have. We're worn out and super frazzled over here!

Another Group of Random Updates from the Grotto

Hello, friends. How are things with you guys? Great. Or sorry. Whichever one is appropriate. Now on to my stuff.

Lately, I've kind of been freaking out at night. All of the television shows I watch seem to be on some weirdly-timed hiatus, so there is nothing to distract me. And this is my concern: I am starting to doubt that my son will ever be able to fall asleep on his own.

Here he is, more than 2.5 years old, and has still only ever fallen asleep nursing (or in the car, or that one time in January 2015 when he cried himself to sleep in his crib, and then one other time when he was sick and fell asleep in James' arms at the apartment... yes, I remember them all because IT DOESN'T HAPPEN). This includes when he wakes in the night. He wakes up with, "Mommy, deedees."

Also, today we saw a girl at the park who I would have pegged as 6, but it's entirely possible she was just big like Mal and maybe 4? Anyway, she made it clear to her mom in full-on English that she was in need of a clean diaper. My heart sank, because I thought, "Aww, crud. That's going to be Mal." He has zero interest in the toilet, even though he'll say, "Mal pooped again!" or insist that he needs a clean diaper. 

However real those concerns are, there are a few really cool things that he is starting to do.

This morning, when he woke up and was lying in bed, I asked him if he wanted to go to Nana and Pappy's house. He said, "Nana Pappy's house? Eggs, crack... Popcorn... Phone." Then a few minutes later he added, "Cookies." When we went to see them 3.5 weeks ago, Mal played with their Easter eggs, they had gone to see a movie and had left-over popcorn, and he used their ornamental old-school Mickey Moust telephone a lot. Also, my mom had baked cookies to take neighbors, and he got some. 

Then later, we'd gone to the park while my parents had lunch with a friend. When I asked Mal if he wanted to tell Pappy what he did at the park, Mal said, "Roundabout, slide, swing, bongo drums!"

He's remembering things that happened, and he's able to relay them back. He can narrate his own story.

He is also pretending more. Some of his play is based on videos that he's watched, and some of it is just totally out of his own head. He will pull a blanket around him and say, "Get in rocket; close the door." And by "close the door," he means he wants the blanket in a solid ring around him.

Another thing he's doing more consistently is things like today: We went to eat lunch at Cici's. When he sat down to get a drink, he accidentally hit the cup on the side of the table and spilled the entire drink into the floor. I went up to the buffet line to ask for a large rag, but the guy said he'd come out and clean it up.

When he arrived at the table, Mal said brightly, "I'm sorry!" The guy said, "It's cool." The lady at the table next to us said to me, "He's very polite for such a young age." It made me proud, not for anything I've done, but because I actually *haven't* done anything; he's just seen politeness and is learning how appropriately to use it. He did the same thing at the doctor's office when the nurse had taken his vitals and was leaving, explaining that the doctor would be in in a few minutes. "Thanks so much!" he told her.

The thing that makes me happiest about all of this is that we've never insisted Mal say anything, ever. Not "thanks," not "please," not "sorry." We've never made him shake hands or acknowledge anyone... so you can know that when he does it, he's just really good at parroting or he really means it.

But another thing that makes me happy is that Mal was very light-hearted when he apologized, which means he isn't too concerned about accidental spills. I know sometimes I probably blanche when he spills something *again,* but it seems like I haven't indirectly taught him to be terrified of that kind of thing, and some kids just are.

My name is Mal. I spill stuff, and I don't really give a flip.

Oh, and even though he's not fussed by his own spills, he will attempt to help clean them up.

UPDATE: It's Thursday now, and so when I say "today" up there, I mean "yesterday," but I'm too lazy to change it.

So, as we were leaving Cici's (man, lots of nostalgia about that place, from when D was  little), I strapped Mal into his car seat, and as I was getting in, he was singing, "Go Away (Scary Monsters), Go Away" from a video channel he used to watch. A lot of times, I'll sing it (to the tune of "She'll Be Comin' Around the Mountain"), "Go away, Mal Gatannah, go away!" And he'll say, "No! Scary monsters!" But this time, he didn't play along. So I turned around to see him singing specifically to the window, where there was a giant red wasp walking around INSIDE OUR CAR.

That kid was way calmer than I felt! I jumped out and opened the door, but the wasp was kind of having a nice time walking around. I didn't have anything to "swish" it with, and I didn't want to make it mad. So I waited until it had walked up onto the ledge of the door and slammed it. When I opened the door, that thing was still alive! Finally, he got up high enough that when I closed the door, it just flew off. Whew! What a chill kid.

UPDATE: It's Friday now, and our internet just keeps going in and out so hopefully I can tell you two things I did today and we'll be done with this post!!

SMOOTH MOOVES

brought to you by ExLax

1) Today, I made dough for lactation cookies (for the first time; yes, my kid is two and a half). I had the mixer on low because Mal was napping in the living room. When I put in the first egg, half of the shell fell into the batter! No worries; reflexes to the rescue! I'll just turn the mixer off really fast-- NOPE! Turned it up to 10. Spent the next 20 minutes fishing egg shell out of the batter.

2) We got our giant popcorn refill as we left the movie. I put it in the front seat and belted it in for the ride home. It was flawless! Not one kernel spilled! When I stopped the car in the driveway, I triumphantly unclicked the seatbelt, and as it retracted, it spilled the whole box sideways into the seat and floor between the door and seat. I spent the next 20 minutes vacuuming my car.

Bonus: a grasshopper jumped into my car while I vacuumed, and I was trying to get it out of the car so as not to kill it, but I lost it. Sorry, buddy.

Sleeping on the Floor

When we moved in to the house, we got a futon mattress for Mal's floor. Not a frame; this kid WILL fall out of a bed if someone's not there to be a human bumper. Anyway, about 2/3 of the time since we've been here, Mal and I have been sleeping in his room. Eventually, I plan for him to sleep alone like an actual person, but he's not there yet, and we're creating "positive sleep associations" with the room.

It's worked out pretty well so far. James' snoring has gotten more persistent over time, and I was waking him up A LOT to have him reposition so I could do that whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" thing. But James has mentioned feeling lonely. Also, we have a GREAT bed, and an AMAZING room, which I kind of miss.

So last night, we slept in the master bedroom. James snored not at all until pretty late this morning, and it was much warmer up high than on the floor.

This morning, however, James asked me if Mal had been more restless than usual. Uh, no. I think he just got used to sleeping alone, however "not a part of the family" he might have felt. So we're back to Mal's room tonight. But tomorrow? When it's supposed to be in the 20s? We might all huddle back together.