Remember when I used to do reviews and stuff?

Back in the day when I was on social media and had a pretty expansive blog readership, I would post reviews of stuff: specific (usually limited-time-only) offerings from fast food restaurants, hair color, chocolate, energy drinks, recipes, etc. 

That might seem like "duh, of course; that's what social media is for" but at the time, I had a lot of audacity to think that people would want to read my opinion about the steak bagel at McDonald's (still my most viewed blog post of all time; it continues to get hits even though it's more than 12 years old and no one reads blogs anymore). 

That's not how I started out, and it's not what I do now... BUT I did want to weigh in on something:

Recently, I got a 3-month free trial of Apple+ TV. James got caught up on Foundation and is finishing The Expanse.

First, I binged the entire run of Ted Lasso, very late to the game. Everyone was right: It was a delight, start to finish. Built up my emotional investment and had a very enjoyable payoff at the end (no, I'm not going to try to watch the upcoming 4th season because why?). 

After that, though, I noticed a little recommendation for Acapulco, another three-season (third season still in progress) show that looked cheerfully-colored and interesting. 

I'm caught up and looking forward to the Wednesday releases of the rest of this season, and here's my take: This show is every bit as hopeful and surprisingly emotionally-engaging as Ted Lasso. It's set in the mid-1980s, so that's probably hitting right in my nostalgia. About 1/3 to 1/2 of each episode is in Spanish, so I'm learning a bunch of conversational touches I wouldn't have known otherwise (of course, it might just be 1980s slang and using it will make me sound dated, but I don't care; I like the sound of "que padre!" and I still say, "How cool!" to this day). 

Speaking of nostalgia, one of my favorite touches is that every episode, they have the resort singers perform one (or two) 80s hits in Spanish with choreography. Delightful.

Anyhoo. It seems like this show has had high ratings, so maybe I'm the last one on board here but I just wanted to throw my two cents in and highly recommend it if you have Apple+ TV or if you were looking for something to round out your free trial!

A Month of Sundays

It has been exactly a week since I posted... and I just realized that on October 29, I included a picture of Mal with his loose tooth and the caption: "This tooth needs to come out!" You'll be pleased to know that, a month and a half later, it is still hanging on by a thread in his face. His adult tooth is basically in, and it shoved the other tooth off to the side, but Mal won't loosen it, and he freaks out if we try to help him. I not-so-secretly hope that he bumps something with his mouth and it gets knocked out.

But no. His balance is great.

Right now, we have a freeze warning for overnight. Yesterday, it was 83 and broke the record for December 10 in Austin. It will be in the 80s again on Tuesday. It's difficult to dress under these circumstances. Also, we got a "dumb" thermostat when we got our "new" a/c in 2020, so we keep having to switch between cooling and heating. I'm sure the unit enjoys the challenge.

We've been having mostly near-home adventures lately. Mal is growing up so much, and is becoming more mature in so many ways. The other day, I'd left a chair pulled out and the dog jumped up on the table to try to steal some of Mal's LEGOs. When that happened, I apologized to Mal for not pushing the chair in. I said, "That was my fault; I know he'll do that if he can." Mal said, very seriously, "Mom, I want to be responsible so I'll say that it was my fault." I told him that was very noble, but in this specific case, it really WAS my fault. We've talked previously about him blaming folks for things like if he runs into something because he is looking at his computer while he's walking, and he'll say, "I KNEW you shouldn't have put that there!" So at least he's trying to figure it out.

We're working with a private trainer for several sessions over the next few weeks before Luke's intermediate dog training class starts. We've implemented several suggestions from the first session, and I feel like we're already seeing some progress.

We're also working with a real estate lawyer to get our lots re-platted differently so we can start working on our plan for the back lot. We had our first phone call with the architect, and it was a trip. We were kind of feeling iffy about it, but his most recent email was a lot more down-to-earth, and it seems like we can move forward with him.

Right at this moment, I am with Mal and his friend at Indigo Play. I don't think we've ever been on the weekend, and holy crap, is it loud. James is getting ready to go get his Covid booster. Mine was scheduled for last weekend, but the pharmacy didn't get the vaccine, so I rescheduled... and they canceled that. Next weekend, I'm going up to Temple to try there.

Oh, that just reminded me that Mal's 2nd dose is tomorrow. I need to start mentally psyching myself up now.

The Girl I Used to Be

One thing about having blogged pretty regularly for more than 18 years (!!!) is that I can look back and know almost exactly what I was thinking at any given point. Sometimes, I purposefully left out stuff -- some I remember and some I wish I'd included because I have no idea -- and sometimes I talked around things, like a particular relationship difficulty, or a relationship altogether because the person I was with didn't want it known.

But mostly, there's a record of almost two decades. If you journal, you know what I mean... but mine's semi-public. I actually shut down the oldest part a few weeks ago when I read something political I'd written and realized I never ever EVER wanted anyone who doesn't know me now to read it without present-day context.

There are other things, too. I've written about religious faith with a confidence I don't have anymore. I've linked to articles and songs that meant so much to me but that I no longer believe are even valid.

And the flowing language I used to talk about James when we first got together? Gross! Don't get me wrong: I'm ridiculously enamored of him. But the limerence is hard to take. I guess that's what happens when you have someone who actually loves you after having been in contentious relationships for so long. Still... gag reflex engaged.

Oh, and other people's kids? I guess in the beginning, I knew it was just my immediate family keeping in touch through the "online journal." I complained about so many people's children! Over time, of course, I became sensitive to how public this milieu is. But also, I had a second kid who embodies a lot of the characteristics I used to hold against other parents!

I used to do a lot of reviews, because when I had a bigger reader base, it made me feel like people cared about my opinion in a mere substantial way than anyone probably did. So I wrote with authority and finality about my experiences. Weirdly, the two most viewed reviews to this day are the McDonald's steak and egg bagel (DELICIOUS!) and L'oreal's Couleur Experte (??!) hair color. Like people still find those through whatever search terms they're using to this day. But I don't think I've done a blog structured like that in years. Because, really, who do I think I am?

WAY OFF TOPIC ASIDE: The name of L'oreal's dye always annoyed me. And this skit sums it up perfectly.



Finally, I notice that I used to do a lot of long-format, photo-rich posts. They were coherent and cohesive in a way that I feel like I need to excuse myself from the house and sit somewhere alone for hours if I'm going to make that work now. I blame this on two things: First, I used to have a fairly self-sufficient only child who didn't tax my brain so much that there was nothing left over for literary creative pursuits. Second, I didn't used to have anyone to really talk to, so everything came out in my blog.

Whereas I used to craft narratives with a beginning, middle, and end, now I'm perfectly aware of how often I end with "Welp, gotta clean the bathroom!" or "It's three days later. I guess this post is over." You wouldn't believe how many unpublished drafts I have just because I started something substantial with a head of steam, had to stop, and then a few days later just didn't care about. I just looked: it's 40 over the past three years. More than once a month I've thought, "This needs to be said and I'm the gal to say it!" until I ran out of craps to give because my aging brain can't keep up with verbing and a small child.

It is fun and humbling to look back on the things I've felt mattered enough to write AND publish (although I can also see the stuff I didn't publish... and the 6 of you can't, so ppppthh). I laugh, I cringe, I have amnesia about some of it. But it's kind of amazing that, in one form or another (first Diaryland, then Wordpress, and now Blogger), I've been writing about both day-to-day minutiae and big-to-me ideas fairly consistently for nearly two decades.

But, really, I have been doing it for even longer than that. Way back in the olden days of dot matrix printers, I used to make newsletters using templates from a word processing program we had. I'd select appropriate clip art and compose stories about what was going on with our family, what I was looking forward to, and what my friends were up to and send them to classmates, my grandma, and basically anyone who would read them.

Over the years, I've written some things that have made me money, and that's sweet, but think this encyclopedic volume of random thoughts and happenings is both the best and worst thing I will ever have completed. As they say, writers write. And it doesn't matter that no one asked me to, or that few people read it (including my kids; my mom used to worry that D would be offended by my honest expressions of frustration about parenting an infant... and D has zero interest in this blog on any level!). I've left huge imprints of my truest self over several URLs on the World Wide Web, and that's pretty cool.

WHY AREN'T COMMENTS WORKING?? And other stuff...

If you've been aching to leave us a comment and haven't been able to, then join the club! I typed this comment into James's (as it was posted rather late on a weekend night, may I guess semi-drunken?) rant about mass shootings and gun rights fifteen times before it dawned on me to cut-and-paste it somewhere safe until comments started working again. They still don't work. So, in case you were wondering:

"I would agree that people who commit mass murder/violence of this nature certainly have wrong/dangerous beliefs, but I don't think they're 'insane.' The whole 'mental illness' thing is bandied about in a way that might make people with genuine mental illnesses hesitant to get help, because is this how they're going to be perceived? Anyway, LOTS of people in lots of countries are 'insane,' but the gun violence isn't as high in any other developed nation.

"The guy in Dayton apparently had a history of threatening and frightening behavior that was reported by classmates to his high school, and also referred to the police. Many of them said hearing this wasn't a surprise, and that he never should have had access to a gun. So while the 'red flag' talk seems sort of subjective and 'slippery slope'y, there might be some merit to it.

"Lastly, I do not think the Founding Fathers could fathom what kind of rapid-fire, powerful guns would be available a couple of hundred years later. I'm fine with changing the constitution, if that's what it takes. I know we agree to disagree on this. But so far, no one has used high-capacity magazines to protect their families or property from aggressive government forces; they've ONLY been used to murder as many people as possible."

FIN.

And, yes, I would likely feel different about this if we were talking about limiting access to caffeine or sugar or anything else that is deemed dangerous by some people. I'm also a parent, and I'm susceptible to the fear that comes from knowing people can and do this, and have access to tools to help them... even knowing the statistics. So I can admit that fear is never a great basis for demanding legislation, and yet... here we are.

But that's not really what this post is about, is it?

You're wondering what's going on with us. aren't you? Nope? Well, too bad. Navigate away, then!

Our chickens are now almost 19 weeks old, which means that they might start laying within the next month or so.  When I went out to close the coop tonight, four of the chickens were already roosting for the night. "Fluffy Cheeks" (I tried to name her Monstro, but I think Mal's winning on this front) had her wing over AW's back. I only had my phone, and when the flash pre-shot, they both started to stand up to see what was going on, but I caught it.

I don't know whether the chickens are ready for the heat to break, but I AM READY FOR THE HEAT TO BREAK. Also, the unrelenting lack of rain. It has rained once, for approximately one hour, since July 4. There is no rain in the forecast for the next two weeks. The weather forecast does keep showing the temperatures dropping from the low 100s/high 90s into the mid-to-low 90s, but that keeps getting pushed out two weeks and now I don't believe anything. Our grass is crunchy and dormant, and every time we go outside, we get about 15 stickers in our shoes.

I guess the good news is that we haven't had to pay someone to mow our yard since the beginning of July? And it's weird: we had .12 inches more rain in July than in the average year, at 4.45 inches. And all of it was within the first 3 or so days of the month.

Our solar power is up and running, and our bill for last month was $100 less than it was last year, including a few days when we didn't have the system installed yet. It's been around 100 degrees every day for the past month, so that's not bad at all.

Mal is such a fun kid. Today, he had quite an emotional roller coaster of a day. At one point this evening, we were playing Star Wars with LEGOS, and I noticed one of his ships had a brick missing from under the seating area, so when you picked it up, the pilot fell out. I was trying to put a new brick in place, and Mal pulled the ship away from me. He wanted to keep it the way that it was (he does not like change in the least!). I "yoinked" it out of his hands and was placing the brick when he started bawling. Real tears and everything. And he wailed, "Mommy, no! You are breaking my heart up!"

When I handed him the ship back and showed him that he could just push the brick back out, he smiled and said, "That's better. It's fixing my heart now." Poor sweetie. He has so many feels.

Oh my goodness, though... yesterday he had the worst nosebleed I've ever seen him have. He used to get little bleeds quite frequently, as a result, frankly, of digital probing up in there. They are much fewer and far between now. Used to, we could expect one every couple of days. Now, it's every six months maybe? Well, he got one yesterday. I dammed up the nostril with a tissue and went outside to do something. When I came back in, Mal was still sitting at the table, but sounded weird when he said he'd mistakenly removed the tissue. There was blood all over his face, all around his mouth, dripping onto his shirt, and I even had to wash the chair. Yikes. Fortunately, he was fine. Just... a mess.

Out of the blue while I was writing this last night, Mal decided he was tired and wanted to go to sleep, and it sounded like a good idea. So now I'm up and have started my Saturday and will fill you in on other developments later! Have a great weekend!

Blogging is Hard

In case you're wondering: Yes, we're still on the "go to bed at 12:30 AM, wake up after 10 AM" schedule. Which sounds kind of perfect, in terms of sleeping nine hours, but... It makes it difficult for James and me to spend time together, since he has to be in bed in time to get up early enough to miss traffic into his newish job; and it makes blogging a chore because I tend to actually wind down and start heading to sleep before Mal (waking up to tell him it's late enough and I'm turning off the lights). Then in the morning, there is waking up to do, and I try to get my chores done. Then that's just about the time Mal wakes up. Oh, and I watch TV. In fact, I just opened up my tablet, determined to blog, when I saw a video I'd started watching while I made dinner last night, but then got waylaid. I was about to press "play," but knew that would mean zero blogs today. :) So here we are.

Mal watching TV at the fun Disney Jr. play area at Barton Creek Square

First of all, an observation: The other day, it was a little chilly. In the middle of the day, I realized that what I was wearing -- leggings, a long-sleeved under shirt, and a man's button-up that fits kind of like a dress -- was pretty much the exact "outfit" I have on in a picture my mom took of my sister and me coming into my apartment from the store when I was in college.

For most of my life, I've skirted the edges of poverty, typically in the lower middle class. For that same time, I've also thought that it would be nice to have enough money that I could dress a little "better." Well, here we are with enough so-called "disposable" income that I could upgrade my wardrobe if I wanted to. And I DO purchase clothing that is more comfortable and better-made than I used to. But apparently having a little bit of cash in your pocket does not give you style, and so I'm pretty much always going to look like an out-of-touch stay-home cheapskate mom... because I am.

Similarly, we realized some caulking was coming up onto our dishes from INSIDE the dishwasher. At first, I thought I was pulling out some nasty stringy cheese, but realized, no... it was literally caulk. A brief internet research junket showed that it's dangerous to use any kind of sealant inside a dishwasher if it isn't aquarium sealant and therefore safe for animals (like humans). This was obviously the stuff you pipe around your bathtub.

Since the dishwasher was original to the house, built in 2007, we decided to get a new dishwasher. The first year we lived here, when we had the house warranty, we had someone come out about 4 times for various problems, and it's vibrated loudly through two cycles ever since then, but mostly worked.

We'll probably have to replace our refrigerator soon, too, and I've been eyeing these lovely candy apple red appliances. James did some research, but after he bought some Black Friday electronics, turned the dishwasher selection over to me. I found a couple of beautiful red ones. Both Smeg and Big Chill make them. And the morning I sat down to order, I ended up buying a Cyber Monday deal on a slate one (like the other appliances we have) from The Home Depot because I couldn't justify doubling the cost of a dishwasher just for it to be red. So that's how my brain works.

Mal seems to have even MORE energy than ever right now. We're going on a little trip next week, just the two of us, and I'm looking forward to getting and keeping him out for a while. He is loving being out. Wednesday, we went to south Austin to celebrate the Brownie girls' birthdays. Then we went to the mall because he loves Barton's play area (pictured above) but I can't justify driving down there just to visit the mall. After that, and being stuck in rush hour 360 traffic for 45 minutes, he wanted to play at Little Land. We closed that place down, then went to the McD's play area where he played with other kids for an hour and a half.

Yesterday, we met one of his friends at Chick-fil-A, then when they had to leave, we went to McD's AGAIN and he played there for a couple of hours.

Today, he's wanting to go to IKEA, where I can get 1.5 hours of child care for free! So it sounds great to me!

I was not premature in celebrating the end of "deedees." It's been a month since that post, and we're definitely done. The week after I wrote it was difficult. He remembered it, and wanted to go back. I didn't want to actively stop, but since we had, it was easier to say, "I'm sorry; it's too late." He cried himself pretty much to sleep a couple of nights. But he was fine. Yesterday, he was upset about a lot of things and said, for the first time in probably three weeks: "I'm not special anymore because I don't have deedees!" He has no idea how "special" nursing for four years is!

I've mentioned becoming a much more laid-back parent over the years. It might appear like "permissive parenting," but it's actually intentional and often difficult; I'm not just sitting back and letting my kid do whatever he wants because I'm lazy (which I can be, but that's not my overall parenting strategy). It's more about my trying to have empathy with where my kid is, and not allowing my pride or perceived authority be offended because how we interact doesn't look the way an authoritarian model looks. But it's so bizarre and sweet at times.

Yesterday, Malcolm was very frustrated because he had already eaten one of the Trader Joe's chocolate ornaments off of our tree. I don't control what he eats in general, but since the ornaments are for the whole family and not just him, I'm limiting him to one per day. He was furious, and kept saying that he was going to take another. I told him he was not going to do that. He yelled, "I am so angry with you right now!" I told him I was sorry he was mad, and I walked past him to see if he'd let me pick him up. He did.

I sat on the couch, and he nuzzled into my neck, crying and saying, "I'm just so mad at you!" while I said, "I'm so so sorry you are angry" and rocked with him. He eventually calmed down, and it seems so healthy to me to be able both to be mad at someone AND to receive comfort from them. 

Later, we reached a compromise of sorts in which I let him finish off his advent calendar, because that WAS his, and while I sliced onions for dinner, he ran over to show me his "ultra rare" finds, like a chocolate wreath or stockings or Santa. He kept saying, "I love doing this! I can't stop!" He enjoyed himself so much, and the calendar was for his enjoyment, so I'm glad he was able to have at it. We have a wooden advent calendar we can still use daily. It's not quite as tempting.

Oh, Mal wasn't as thrilled when he said he wanted another calendar and I told him Trader Joe's is out of them. I bought them in the middle of November because they're $1 and I know how they fly off the shelves. Ehh, life lesson, I suppose.

Here's a picture my dad took of Mal on the trampoline at the Brownies'.

We got our 23 and Me results back, and James has a much more broad base of ancestry than I do. We'll go into some of the results later, but it was a lot of fun to do. One thing it does if you want it to is it finds people who are likely your family. For both of us, it founds cousins we already know. So that was pretty cool.

We have a special project coming up that is part D's Christmas present, part a thing for the whole family. We're all looking forward to it, and I can't wait to share that, either!

Time to watch that video (hopefully) before Mal wakes up! Have a great weekend!

Sins of the Past

The first client I ever used to "blog," from early 2001 until mid-2009, went through at some point and removed all old blogs. They kept them, and users could restore them for a fee. I did this, wishing I'd thought to download the data the last time that I visited.

Anyway, skimming over to make sure all of the posts were there, I was horrified by the me of a decade ago.

First is parenting. I was SUCH an authoritarian when D was younger! In one post, I was lamenting a recent bout of "attitude," using this exchange as an example: D had asked to make hot chocolate, but had not eaten dinner, so I stated that and said no. D responded with, "It doesn't make sense to eat when you're not hungry." WHICH IS TRUE. But at the time, I took it as being disrespectful or something. Ugh. So frustrating. I have since apologized. I've done that a lot since loosening up, actually.

Secondly, when I read things I wrote about what I believed in spiritually, it makes me cringe now. The god I believed in ten years ago is not one I'd want to worship today. I was very confident in the things I wrote, the answers I gave, the defenses I made. Everything got shaken up over the years between churches inviting me to leave because I was not making decisions as they advised, and D asking hard questions I'd glossed over but couldn't do so anymore and feel okay about it.

When I met with the pastor at the church I attend now, we were discussing spirituality and I said, "In the past, I have been a lot more certain in what I believed than I am now. I don't think that necessarily means my faith used to be stronger. I just think that before, I was carried along by so much spiritual inertia and an entire community structure that it seemed a lot simpler than it does now." He told me that he'd previously talked about faith as a journey, until his friend objected to that comparison, as a journey implies progress in a specific direction. He said his friend preferred to think of faith as seasons, and sometimes it's summer, sometimes it's winter. And I think sometimes there's just a weird pocket of unseasonable WTF, and the best you can do is try to keep your head down and power through.

The other day, I came across an old social media post where someone was ranting against me, sort of, and said, "SHE'S BEEN BRAINWASHED!" Reading this series of posts that I'd read in the past, after all of this time, my raw reaction was, "He's not wrong."

The things I believed about how to act and how to think and how to conduct a life now seem so foreign and embarrassing to me. I was confused at the time, trying to find my way, and I hurt people, including my own child, even if that's something all parents do and kids get over it, and I really hate that. I suppose it's helpful to have these records to remind us to proceed thoughtfully and never take for granted that there is only one way to do things.

We want there to be one "right" way. As much as we might protest, there's a big part of us that wants to be told exactly what we're supposed to do, so we can make sure we're on the correct side of things. The problem with that is that when we subscribe to a narrow view of how to approach anything in life (eating, learning, raising a family, caring for people), it closes us off from so many enriching options that we actually might find a much better fit.

When I think about some of the past stress and power struggles between D and myself, I wish I'd cottoned on sooner that if I stopped pushing, there'd be nothing to push against and it would get so much easier.

When I think about advice I gave a friend whose marriage was falling apart, I wish I'd just listened.

When I think about things I told other people about God, I want to track them down and apologize for being so far off of the mark. (I've done this with one person, and he was so graceful about it; I am grateful to have known some pretty amazing folks.)

It is my hope that when I'm in my mid-50s and catch a glimpse of the things I've recorded from this time, I'll be able to nod my head and think, "I was just starting to get it!" Although I might seriously wonder why I wrote several posts about Disney Pixar Cars. And if that's the case, it will mean that a giant chunk of the repetitive preschool parenting days has been mercifully erased from my memory.

A Word About My Husband (after a bunch more words)

It has been more than fifteen-and-a-half years since I published my first "blog" post, just a couple of years after the Diaryland site started, and just as the word "blog" (a shortened version of "weblog") was starting to be used. I called it an "online journal." If you're interested, here's the March 30, 2001 entry in all of its glory.

I started the blog because I wasn't ready to share the news of my first pregnancy with anyone else, but wanted a record. Then I knew that some people would want to stay updated (like my mom, and far-away friends), but I didn't want to be "that guy" sending out group emails every week. I figured an online journal was a good place to put info that people could check at their leisure, or ignore altogether.

I can't imagine how many words I've written since then. It's been a lot.

I've never had more than a core few dozen readers, and often many fewer than that. I think I took a two-year break when D was 7 or so because Facebook updates were faster and easier. Since then, obviously, I've started blogging more regularly... But the format is different now. I tend to write when I have what I think are bigger stories, or experiences or products to share.

Of all time, my most popular blog post has been the one several months ago where I made a bunch of weird food from a kid's video, and the company shared my link with their followers. The post that is visited as a result of the most searches is my review of the steak, egg, and cheese bagel from McDonald's. Yeah, that kind of insults the rest of my life. Whatever.

I've made it a point to write as honestly as I can, trying to be aware of the privacy of others. I've had to go back and remove some posts and edit some things after I've gotten feedback (times that also clued me in that maybe more people read my journal than I thought, back before they had counters standard on blog services).

I never want to make anyone look or feel bad. And I hope we can agree that, although I'm strongly opinionated and voice that often, I can also be brutal to myself.

Where am I going with this?

Oh, yeah...

Several years ago, I was divorced. When it came up, I tried to keep it classy. I actually ran into some trouble with the church I attended; it was communicated to me that my posts could be "divisive" to people reading but not getting all sides. I tried to rein all of that in; I really did. But I wanted people to know what I was going through, too.

Consequently, over the years, several women have messaged me privately to confide things like, "After XYZ years of emotional abuse, I have left my husband..." Now, I never think that the dissolution of a marriage is to be celebrated. And these women didn't want congratulations or praise or a party. They reached out because they learned, like I did, that when you elect to initiate divorce proceedings and your life gets really messy, you lose people. I think it's just a lot of drama, even if you try to keep it to a minimum, and it's hard. And some people don't have the emotional energy to deal with it.

So, in those cases, I'm so glad that I put my stuff "out there." I'm so glad that a few people knew they weren't the first, or the only. I'm glad I felt like a safe person.

Today, someone reached out to ask me a question that has had me ruminating over it for some time. It involved how you live functionally when the person who's supposed to love you the most actively and visibly resents and detests you.

Here's the truth, no finger-pointing, just reality: My older child's dad did not like many things about me, and he did not try to hide his disdain (or he wasn't good at it, if he did). I think that we got married so fast, he might have thought I had some quirks that weren't his favorite, but that the good stuff outweighed that. As the years passed, I think it just got to be too much for him. I felt "too much" a lot. Too big, too loud, too immature, too crazy, too excited. Embarrassing. On so many levels.

Now.

Here's what I want to tell you about my husband. If you're a guy, this is important. Actually, it's important no matter your gender. My husband is amazing at this. I still need to practice mindfulness about it.

Before we got married, James told me that he loved me, including the hard/bad stuff. Now, it's not because my annoying/wrong stuff is so adorable that he just can't help it. He was letting me know that he was making a choice to love ALL of me.

In fact, recently, we kind of butted heads and I said, "I'm a bitch sometimes, huh? Just a bossy little bitch." He didn't sugar-coat it and deny that. He nodded his head. And a bit later, he said, "I love that about you, too. Because it IS a part of who you are, and I love you."

Now, there's no way he's saying that when I have a bee in my bonnet that he's enjoying it big-time. What he's saying is not that we're lucky my "good stuff" outweighs my "bad stuff." He's saying it's all me, and he loves and accepts ME.

Maybe other people have this kind of thing and it's normal, but I feel like it's revolutionary. There is such a freedom to admit mistakes and talk about weaknesses and get things out in the open when you're not afraid you're going to disappoint someone out of loving you.

He's my role-model with this, because I want him to feel that same security and surety, and I want my kids to bask in it, as well.

Jackpot hit, friends.